Thursday, September 13, 2012

the tortoise or the hare?

When I first got banded I was definitely the hare. The weight was flying off. My doctor had given me the goal of 120lbs over 3 years. I surpassed that within a year and a half I had lost 125 lbs. Then the tortoise caught up because the hare was worn out.

With my band problems I had an unfill and started all over again only this time the hare could not get their second wind.  Slowly I have been struggling. Very slowly. I am just now where I was before the unfill give or take a pound or two after more than 8 months.

The past week or so my eating has been less and no real issues eating like it has been. It's a good thing. I am swelling though. When the swelling goes down my weight usually is down a bit. Small baby steps now.

I am sitting here right now trying to choke down Greek yogurt. That is some nasty stuff. It is thick and it makes my tongue pucker. It is tart. I have the Chobani apple cinnamon. It tastes a little okay when I get the fruit but then comes the pucker. I have a hard time with it. At 13g of protein I need to learn to tolerate it. It is a good protein source especially if I were having a hard time swallowing solid food.

Speaking of protein, Ensure Muscle Health, it's not just for the elderly anymore. Good protein source and the strawberry is pretty tasty. So is chocolate. I put them in the freezer to get them slushy. Takes care of my dessert fix not to mention refreshing on a hot day.

So whether your weight loss is the tortoise or the hare, doesn't matter. In the end, just keep going cause some days you will be the hare but most days you will be the tortoise.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

A Band-tastic Week!

Well, I must admit I have not been able to say that in a really long while. And it has been a really good week! Here's the lowdown. We went on vacation the week before and I was stuck daily. Much the same as has been over the last month or so. It was a difficult vacation. I ate very little because there's wasn't much I could eat. Oddly enough the only food I could eat was Cheetos.

Well, we came back and I had actually gained weight. I was so frustrated. Then I go back to work and find out my boss had resigned the day before. I thought to myself, this is going to be a really bad week. It was in a way. There was a lot going on at work besides that and it was really stressful. That translates into stress and severe band tightness. Not so much this time. Yes I am beyond confused. But I am not going to try and understand.

That being said, I had a good food week, well a good eating week. I didn't get stuck for days. When I did I immediately knew it was because I waited too long to eat. Before I would get stuck even if I didn't wait too long between meals. It was so nice to eat small amounts and not have a bad experience.

I have given up the Cheetos. For lunch I would eat a lettuce leaf with a little mayo spread on it then I rolled a slice of deli roast beef up in it. Delish, protein packed. I had that most days this week for lunch. Dinner was eating out most days. We had football and volleyball all week. I ate small amounts of foods.

The best news ever is....drum roll please....I have lost weight! I am finally down to the weight I was back when I had to get the unfill in December, actually 1 pound less than that. I am super excited. I only hope this continues.

This morning I made a quiche. Sausage and swiss. Protein.  I ate a small slice and am completely full. Almost too full. Glad I didn't overdo it.

So here's to a fabulous week I had even though it was stressful. I hope next week is just as good.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Crazy mixed up

After weeks and weeks of not being able to keep solid food down most days, I have been able to eat the past two days. Why? Heck if I know. Now don't get me wrong, I can't everything but I am eating more/better whatever you want to call it. I made tatertot casserole. Super Simple and is band friendly for me. Well right now anyway. Easy recipe that can be tweaked per family likes. Tatertot Casserole 2-3 lbs ground beef 2 cloves minced garlic 1 small diced onion 1/2c diced green pepper salt/pepper to taste 1 can cream of celery 2 cans cream of chicken 1/2 c shredded cheese Brown ground beef with onion, garlic and green pepper. Drain. Add salt and pepper, a can of cream of chicken and can of cream of celery. Mix well. Spoon into 9x13 pan. Mix can of cream of chicken with 1 can milk. Top beef with even layer of tater tots. Pour soup on top. Cover with foil. Bake at 400 for 30-45 minutes. Uncover and top with 1/2 shredded cheese. Bake until melted and lightly browned. Today I made fall off the bone tender baby back ribs in the oven no less. I was able to eat 3 ribs. I also made slow cooked green beans. 1/2 c of those as well. It was a good eating day for me. I wonder how much I will pay in the weight department? Tender Baby Back Ribs 1 rack of baby back loin ribs BBQ rub favorite BBQ sauce or make your own Dry ribs. Run knife under the membrane on the back of the ribs. Grab with paper towel and pull the membrane off. Pat down the ribs with paper towels. Sprinkle generously with the rub. Wrap in plastic wrap and put in fridge for at least 2 hrs. Take out and let set until room temperature. Preheat oven to 300. Tightly wrap rack in foil and place on cookie sheet. Cook in oven for 2 hours. Open foil and baste with BBQ sauce. Wrap tightly again and put back in the oven for another hour. Open foil, baste again with BBQ sauce and leave foil open. Place back in oven and cook another 15-30 minutes until sauce is carmelized. Let rest and cut ribs. So anyone want to take bet on whether I will be able to eat tomorrow? The odds are against me since I haven't been able to eat much for weeks. I have probably eaten more yesterday and today than I have total in the last few weeks. Vacation time is coming up. You know what that means? Bathing suit. YUCK!! I have gotten no sun so far this summer. I am white as a ghost. My hubby and kids are super tan already because they have been going swimming. I refuse to go because it is in my neighborhood and I would die a thousand deaths if anyone I knew saw me in a bathing suit. I have anxiety just thinking about it. Hence the reason I will be going out of state to go swimming to the beach. Sad isn't it? That body image is real and I don't think it will be going anywhere anytime soon. So stats...I had lost 125 lbs but in December 2011 I had an unfill and gained 25 lbs. I have lost 18 lbs of those pounds. 7 to go and I will be back to where I was prior to the unfill. This has been a struggle both physically and mentally. Clothes wise, I was in a tight 30/32 pant and a 4x-5x top at the time of my surgery in May 2010. I am now in a size 18 pant and 1x (18-20) top (sometimes an XL). Big difference. My self esteem is much higher than it was prior to surgery. I have made great strides in that department but still have a long ways to go and I have set backs along the way. I have a new job at a company I have been at for nearly 13 years. I spent more than 10 yrs in the same job but after surgery and losing weight I had the confidence to branch out and want more. I took that chance and have not looked back. I am very happy where I am. Sure there are days I am stressed and feeling bummed but doesn't everyone at some point or another? That too shall pass. All in all I am in a good place in my career. I went from being a team leader claims examiner to a software tester. Big change and a whole new life. This crazy mixed up life. I wouldn't trade it for anything. The good, the bad and the ugly. It's all part of life. How I respond to it defines the direction my life will take.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Stuck like a truck in the muck

Geez!! There are some days I wonder why in the world I got this lap band. Yeah I know why. I get all whiny when I am struggling. Wasn't this supposed to be easy peasy? Oh yeah, I had surgery. DUH!! Yeah it is a daily fight. I fight myself and my band daily or my band fights me. I really don't know anymore. Stress is my enemy and wreaks havoc on my band. Each day is a struggle to find some solid food that does not get stuck. A food works one day but not the next. Frustrating. Now I know there are reasons why I am not doing so well in the weightloss department. I don't eat small bites and I don't chew chew chew chew...I had this down pat the 1st year but this last year has been a bear. I tell myself daily slow down, small bites and CHEW!! I really don't listen to myself very well. All I hear is blah blah blah. Kind of like the teacher on Peanuts. I quit eating eggs for breakfast. I just really can't stand them right now. Not sure why. I started eating sausage gravy. I know you are sitting there saying SERIOUSLY?? and you want us to feel your pain? Gravy? Yep it is my new vice. I actually get the Tennessee Pride sausage grave in the pouch. The entire pouch is 320 calories which is a lot but holds me until lunch. Lunch today was 1/4c of left over spaghetti I made the other day. Pasta? Yeah I know. I ate it two days ago and kept it down. Today...well it came back up. Dinner was 3 small slices of smoked sausage and a salad. My snack today at work was pork rinds. The small bag was 31.5g of protein. Which is 1/4 of my daily protein goal. Drinking my cappuccino and my vitamin waters round out my day. Ensure Muscle Health protein drinks are my go to when getting stuck. I get stuck, it comes up I grab a protein drink. It is my back up plan. I even stick them in the freezer to get a little slushy. Makes it much better. If anyone has some good band friendly high protein recipes please pass them along. I am quickly running out of options.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

still hanging in

No weight lost lately. I just don't know what to do. I can't win for trying. I have noticed that the weight loss stopped when I stopped logging my food on fat secret. Hmmm...maybe? I think it is time I get back in the habit and go back in my logs to see what was working. I still can't eat much. Some days are better than others. Solid foods still present a problem. The ultimate snack right now is pork finds and Ensure muscle health protein shakes. The pork rinds are 9g protein per serving and the protein shake is 13g. I am not too tight. The problem is I am eating too fast, taking too big bites, not chewing enough. I don't know why I can't wrap my head around that fact. Two years post op and since December I have not been able to get in gear. I really have excuse not to log my food. I have the app on my phone. I can access oblige e or on my kindled fire that hubby just got me. Wish me luck.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Difficulties abound

Well I have only lost 8 lbs since my fill. Then again I guess I could enthusiastically say I LOST 8 LBS!!
Only, I feel like I should have lost more. I have been struggling lately. Stress is playing a huge roll in how bad some days are.

I have had some really difficult decisions lately. One decision I no longer have to face is my friend at work wanting me to go to lunch with her daily. Not an issue any longer. Unfortunately she was let go. It was a major shock as she was formerly my boss and we have worked together for 12 years. I have stressed over worrying about her. I have stressed because I am being tapped to replace her, more in a bit on that. I am stressed because my current job has picked up immensely.

Because of stress there are very few foods I can eat. I don't believe I am too tight I truly think it all has to do with stress. I am trying daily to eat solid foods. Right now I can't eat pork, chicken, steak and some ground beef. I can't eat meatloaf at all. I get stuck big time. What I can eat is fast food. Go figure and when you are desperate you will try anything. I can eat Skyline chili and McDonald's Angus deluxe snack wrap. I can eat grilled burgers at home as well. No bread of course but I am thinking I could make my own snack wrap. The snack wrap is a small tortilla, 1/2 burger, cheese slice, lettuce, mayo and mustard. McDonald's adds tomato and onion which I don't like. I am drinking Ensure Muscle Health. It has 13g protein in each little bottle. The chocolate and the strawberry are pretty good. My other staples are scrambled eggs, cereal, cheese and panino (mozzarella and prosciutto rolled up).

Now back to my stress. I mentioned they are tapping me to replace my friend as she trained me and I am up to date on all information / procedures related to this client. I reluctantly applied after pressure. I had an interview on Friday and came away not wanting that job at all. The manager asked me on a scaled of 1 to 10 where was I with wanting this job. I said maybe pushing an 8. I have severe reservations. When I took the job I have now last year I was beyond excited. I was grinning from ear to ear. I test software.It is what I have a knack for and what I love doing. I am working on my degree in information technology so this is where I need to be. I am wanted for the job because of my knowledge and the client knows me. I absolutely do not want it. I felt I should not proceed on with the interview process. It isn't fair to anyone if I continue on and then decline should an offer be made. So I withdrew. Hopefully this won't bite me in the butt.

Today has been a particularly bad band day.  I have tried numerous things to eat but nothing stays down. I tried meatloaf for lunch and got stuck and slimed. It came up. I waited an hour and tried again. Same outcome. I waited then tried to drink Ensure. It got stuck and came back up. I then thought maybe it is spasms again in my throat. So I fixed some really hot cappuccino. I sipped on that then all of a sudden my tongue and throat tightened up. I RAN for the bathroom and barely made it.

I waited and nibbled on crackers. I know what you are thinking after all that certainly I can't eat a cracker. Yep it went down and stayed down. I ate a slice of cheese on crackers. Kept it down. Go figure. I just don't understand it.

It is July 4th, a holiday, my off day. Happy 4th of July everyone!!

Monday, June 18, 2012

So sick of the hot flashes

If the hot flashes must come can't the other part just leave? I am entering menopause or some stage or form of it. Each month a few days before my week of 'bliss' begins, I have severe hot flashes. The kind that lasts non stop and soaks me completely. Then as soon as I start, the hot flashes dissipate but are replaced by Earth shattering cramps. I mean labor-pain like cramps. That lasts a few days then over the next few days it all tapers off. To top it off I not only bloat I float the whole boat. Then if that wasn't bad enough my band is that much tighter, so the past few days has been nearly impossible to eat. Plain old applesauce gets stuck. Not the chunky applesauce either.

Every day something if not most things I eat end up coming back up because of sliming due to the excess tightness from my blissful week. This morning I ate soft scrambled egg with a wedge of laughing cow. I went to work and all along felt it just sitting there in my chest but didn't have sliming. I went to a meeting and came back to my desk and then it hit me. The sliming started and I got up to go down to the other end of the building almost to the bathroom. I barely made it in the stall before I lost it. It was over 2 hrs after I ate that it came back up.

One thing you should know is that I continue to try and eat when that happens. I don't want to be malnourished. Lunch time came around and I took the advice of another WLS blogger and went to Chick fil a and got a kids meal. The grilled chicken nugget meal with applesauce and chocolate milk. The nuggets were more like a thin grilled chicken breast that was ripped apart into 'nuggets'. I ate three of them with a little chick fil a sauce. I saved the applesauce and milk. Advice, go through the drive thru since then they don't look at you funny when you order a kids meal and you don't have a kid with you. Most places don't honor the lapband card to get a smaller portion or kids meal.

Dinner was a cup of meat chili with cheese and sour cream. I ate 3/4 of that and it was touch and go there for a while. I finally ate the applesauce and drank the milk.

That is the extent of my eating today. All in all it was a good day as I kept the majority of it down.

As I have said before, the app, calorie counter by fatsecret for Android, is AWESOME!! I keep track of my food effortlessly. Scanning the barcode is so convenient. The recipes are great. I am making Tandoori chicken this week. I really like the High Protein recipe collection. It gives me lots of ideas. It also has some protein shake recipes. Can't ask for more than that? I highly recommend it. To be able to enter my food online or on my phone and they sync up with each other is great. Coming from a person that gives up tracking food usually after a few days and now I have been tracking for nearly two weeks, it says something.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Same old, same old

My fill was last Thursday. A week later?? I have lost 5.5lbs. Yes I am happy about that but still cautious because it always starts out good and then fizzles out and the small weight loss comes back. Restriction? Yep it is still there for the most part. Oh there are some days that it seems a little more loose than others but for the most part it is holding its own. I am still rushing my food. I tend to bite off more than I can chew, literally.

I am limited on what I can eat right now. I have been eating the same foods I know I can eat but sometimes even those cause a problem. I have learned or actually realized because learned would mean I actually don't make that mistake any longer. I realized that if I wait until I am super hungry with hunger pangs and try to eat I do two things. I take too big of a bite and I barely chew. Food comes back up. Oh when will I learn?

My favorite that is so good is my roast beef roll ups. Private Selection Super thin deli roast beef (3), squirt a line of real mayo (.5 tsp) top with a super thin slice of boars head horseradish cheddar. Roll it up. YUM! I eat it with a knife and fork cutting tiny bites.

I don't eat many vegetables and when I get a recent fill I don't have room for anything other than the protein so I am now incorporating grated cauliflower in my ground beef. It literally disappears so it gives me a little veggie. Not much but a tid bit.

The app I downloaded for my android phone, Calorie Counter by Fatsecret, is awesome! It keeps track of my foods and weight and charts it. It has a really nice recipe section that has TONS of recipes including high protein recipes even categories based on certain diets. It is synced to the website so you can access it online or by your phone. I can track my weight and look back and see what I was eating when I lost weight versus what I was eating when I gained.

Found a BAD BAD treat that is really good. I debate telling you because you want to avoid it but it is soooo good. Do you like girl scout cookies? Well, Nestle Crunch has girl scout bars. Yep. They have peanut butter, chocolate mint and caramel & coconut. Yes they taste exactly like their counterparts. They have the limited time GS on them. There are two little bars in there so I have one and share the other or save it for another day.

What I need to work on for this week? Still need to work on pre-planning and portioning out my foods. I need to clean out my fridge and start cooking for the week for my meals that way when I cook the family's meals I can just pull out mine and heat it up. Easier said than done.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Day 2 post fill

Well, for some reason I thought I would wake up this morning and the restriction would be gone. You know, you get a fill and there is some swelling around the band and the next day the swelling goes down and voila you are no longer restricted. Not so today. So here is to day 2.

I am between mushies and solids today. I have Boars Head prosciutto panino (prosciutto rolled in mozzarella) and cut three slices for my meal. Yes really, that is all I can eat and that takes me about an hour. It has 7g of protein per slice so that is 21g in three little slices. I take a few bites then rest. I am focusing on going slow, slow, slower.

I also ate some chili last night and did well with it. Again a bite or two then rested till it went completely 'down'. Today I got skyline chili, no pasta. Taking my time and it is soupy but thickens up as it cools and the meat is so small that I don't get stuck yet it is filling.

Have you ever noticed how pre-band when you were full it felt like a rock was in the bottom of your stomach weighing it down but after the band, fullness feels like a rock sitting on the top part of your stomach and back filling into your throat. I literally can 'see'/feel where the stoma is just by the fullness feeling.

I spent yesterday getting reacquainted with my band because I kept trying to eat too fast, too big of a bite, big gulps of drink. All big no, no's. Today it is much slower. I am trying to think how I will incorporate that into my lunches during the work week. I only have an hour and if I go home that gives me less time to eat because of the driving time. If I stay at work and eat then I can't relax and people are there talking to me. I am still trying to figure out that one.

Now I have spent some time reading other's blogs and they are getting me back in the right frame of mind. Found some great recipes for cauliflower, thanks!
I also found some good apps on my android phone to track my foods. My favorite right now is Calorie Counter by fatsecret. I can track my food, exercise, weight and it includes recipes. I found some more great ones for cauliflower. For instance, did you know that you can grate cauliflower and it is similar to rice? My favorite foods include cabbage rolls but they are made with rice which gives me trouble. I found a recipe that uses grated cauli instead of the rice in the meat mixture. I am super excited to try this one.

Ok here is a dilemma. Tomorrow is yard sale day for the neighborhood. I have lots of big clothes. Do I put them in the yard sale? I actually feel embarrassed that I was that big and I don't want my neighbors to see exactly what sizes I wore, yeah I know they saw me big but it is different when they know your clothing size. At least it is in my mind. I am still debating this one. I mean what are the odds that someone that large will come to my yard sale? I have clothes from sizes 24-32 in pants and 2xl - 5xl in shirts. I even have a winter coat that is a 5x.

Well, tomorrow I am grilling rosemary ranch chicken kabobs for dinner. I may make a cauliflower dish too. I need to have backups in case the main dish is too much for my stoma to handle right now.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Time has not changed anything

And obviously a fill doesn't either. My last fill didn't do much of anything. I have lost 3 lbs since my last visit but that isn't much. I have spent more time trying to not gain weight or when I gain weight I spend my efforts trying to get off the few pounds I manage to put on. It is an up and down affair.

I went in today for a fill. I knew it was time. For the past few weeks I have been able to eat soft breads and buns. I am eating more than usual or actually more than I should. My food choices have been crap. I have been eating cheetos like mad.  My favorite food is the brisket burger from Famous Dave's. I was able to eat half of the patty if I was lucky but now I am able to eat the whole thing. I can go to Smashburger and get a cheeseburger and fried pickles and eat it all. I knew it was time. I still get stuck from time to time. The reason is stress or just eating or should I say scarfing down my food. I take huge bites and I don't chew them very much. BAD HABIT.  They put in a small amount in my band but I had to promise to eat small bites. I am supposed to eat mushies today. I am adhering to that. I drank some water and cappuccino without problem. No gurgling. So on to the food...

I stopped and got some chili and some potato soup from Backyard Burger. Yeah I know eating out again but this is low fat chili and easy to eat due to my fill today. I ate about 1/2 cup of the chili and that was pushing it. They usually tell me that I won't feel restriction for a few days possibly up to a week after. Nope, feeling it just fine right now. The question remains, will this restriction last and for how long??

So I need to make some drastic changes in my eating habits. I have lost sight of where I was. I am putting everything I worked for in jeopardy if I continue on this path. I cannot and will not eat out lunch any longer. I am done with it. I don't have a choice if I want to succeed. It may cost me a friendship but even riding with her is too much of a temptation for me. I would rather go home at lunch, even with my kids at home, rather than risk failing.

Some things I need to do are:
1. plan ahead
2. portion out my food
3. protein protein protein
4. avoid temptation
5. eat slowly and eat small bites

I think I want a bento box. It is portion control in a box. I really need help but it is pricey.

I have been reading a blog by a fellow WLS person who has fabulous ideas and great advice. I am reading up on everything that I have been missing. She is awesome!! Visit her site and follow her.

Saturday, May 12, 2012


This time two years ago, I was sitting on the couch recovery from lap band surgery. In reflection, I am no where near where I wanted to be at this time. I thought at two years I would be at my ideal weight. I started off strong and then fizzled out. The forward momentum I had went by the wayside in December when I got the unfill and I have never regained my success since.

Do I regret surgery? Um...let's see, I am 100 lbs lighter so the answer is emphatically NO!!! I have kept off 100 lbs for more than a year. I lost that weight in about a year or less, a year ago. I really thought I would be down about 180 lbs now. So I have at least another 80 lbs to lose. It is heartbreaking to see I haven't lost any weight. I weight the same I did a year ago. The 25 or so lbs I lost between last year this time and December I have gained back. I have been sitting back at 100lb weight loss since December. So I have held that weight for 5 months with no gain back beyond that 25 lbs. Interesting. Silver lining maybe?

Today is my NEW YEAR. Time to make resolutions. Resolve to kick start my system. I will not accept that I have lost all the weight I am going to lose. I want to get to ideal weight so I can have surgery to remove this excess skin on my abdomen and arms. I would be so much more happy if I didn't have this huge stomach apron and very heavy hanging skin on my arms. What should my new resolution be? Get more active? At this point that is probably the best I can promise. I hate exercise to the point I will find any reason not to do it or a reason to give up after I have started. I know that I am not getting enough food or the right amounts of food. I need to get that situated out.

My eating for the past two weeks has been weird. I find that I am not hungry in the mornings at breakfast. So, I will have a smoothie or a cappuccino. Sometime between getting up at 5am and noon for lunch I will have a banana and some popcorn. Lunch I eat about 3/4 of whatever I have. I then eat some more popcorn (individual pre-popped bags) between lunch and going home at 5pm. I fix dinner between 5:30 and 6. I eat for about 5 minutes then BAM!! Stuck tight. So tight it has not choice but to come up due to the sliming. So for two weeks I have not been able to eat dinner foods. I can't  understand it. I end up eating a bowl of cereal. That I can eat but cannot eat any solid proteins at dinner only.

Oddly enough yesterday and today was a different story. Yesterday no breakfast but ate most of my burger, no bun, with avocado for lunch. Dinner we ate at a restaurant on our way out of town. No problems eating. Breakfast today was a bacon, sausage, cheese, spinach omelet at the hotel. I ate 3/4 of this HUGE omelet. Had some hot chocolate and apple juice a little later. Did lots of activities then ate lunch at Mitchell's Fish Market. I had fish and chips. The fried fish was a very light cornmeal batter that melted in your mouth. The cod was flaky. Nothing greasy. We had 3 small pieces of fish on our platters. I ate 2 1/2 pieces of fish ad would have eaten it all but I was full so full that I could feel the food at the top back of my throat.  No problems.More activities and walking.  Dinner was another restaurant where I had two chicken wings and loaded potato soup. Again no problems. As you can guess we were out of town. So after not being able to eat dinners and not eating breakfast for about 2 weeks, suddenly food was not an issue today. We went without the kids so maybe that is the reason.No stress. Dinner may be too stressful for me to eat. I eat lunch at work and no problems.

Well, time to re-evaluate where I am and where I want to be.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Nearly a Month

Wow, it has been nearly a month since I last wrote. What words could describe the last month?
Frustrated, depressed, inadequate, lonely...the list could go on. I think the biggest word would be failure.

Yes I feel like a failure. At some things, not everything. My weight has been at a standstill. My set back in December has really set me back big time. I weight exactly what I did a year ago. I lost additional weight by December then gained it back but am sitting at the same weight. No more gaining but not losing either. It is depressing. I don't want a fill because I can't eat much. Here is my typical day;

Breakfast: eggs w/laughing cow or a bowl of cereal
Lunch: 3/4 of a burger, no bun or 3/4 chicken nachos, no chips
Dinner: a small grilled pork chop or 1/2 chicken breast and 1/4 c green beans
Snacks: 1/4c trail mix, wheat thin chips or individual bag of popcorn

I only drink Vitamin Water Zero. So my thoughts are that maybe I am not getting enough calories. I know a person needs a certain amount of calories just for your body to function. I just don't know anymore.

I have still lost 100 lbs total after the weight gain in December. That is still  a huge accomplishment but I want more. I want to lose more.

What to do?
Exercise? I don't know. I have a big problem with hip pain. My hip locks up / catches in the middle of the night. It is extremely painful. It isn't because I am laying on the hip either. If I am laying on my left side then my right hip will lock up. It makes no sense. I did some research on the Internet and I may have a labral tear in my hip. I need to find time to get to the doctor and get this checked out. It is prohibiting me from getting around. I find myself sitting around a lot now rather than getting up and moving around. That concerns me.

More of a concern to me is my daughter. She is 8 years old and weighs 93 lbs. Her weight keeps going up and up. Poor thing. She eats way too much and when we cut her off, she gets very hostile. She will scream at us that she is hungry. I am concerned for her. I am getting her brother to help in the efforts. My 13 yr old son is a twig. Unlike the rest of us he can eat whatever he wants as much as he wants and he stays thin. He is 5'9" and weighs 140.5 lbs. He likes to tease her about her weight. I have put a stop to that explaining what he does to her when he does that. There is a competition between them. Whenever there is food, there is an argument on how much they get and who gets to eat the rest of it. For example, pizza. We order pizza. It comes and they immediately start arguing over how many slices they get and actually will take the slices and stack them on a plate so the other one can't get them. She will eat them all. He on the other hand stops eating after one or two slices. If there is a bag of chips. They will ask if they can have the rest and it might be a full bag. I say no then they get mad and refuse to eat any. Okay no skin off back. Don't eat it. I have stopped buying chips, even though my husband wants them. He also wants ice cream sandwiches which my daughter loves and will eat because her Dad allows it. I refuse to buy them. If they want sweets, I buy fruit Popsicle only.

We need help. Desperately. I need help to lose more weight. It is getting hard for me to get around again.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Been gone awhile

It's been quite awhile since my last post. Where do I begin? Actually not much to tell.
My restriction is still going strong. Sometimes too strong. I have to choose my food carefully. At times food I eat one day I can't the next. No rhyme no reason. So I basically keep trying food until I get something I can eat / keep down. There is no middle ground. The food either goes down or comes up.I really haven't had any true weight loss. Still puzzled but no weight gain so I will take what I can. I definitely do not need a fill.

I have been coming home for lunch most days. I like that best. I like the quiet. I can stay at home for about 45 minutes relaxing until I have to be back. It is helpful when my lunch doesn't go down. I can try to find something else to eat. If I was at work then I would be out of luck. If only my friends cooperated with my choice to come home for lunch.

I have been swelling. BIG TIME. Of course my doctor doesn't agree. I was able to get some lasix from another doctor and guess what? I took one pill at 1pm and by the next morning I was down 6.5 lbs. Not swelling huh? All in all, after a few days and two pills I am down 10 lbs. I can breathe easier. I don't get winded anymore. I can go up and down the steps with no problem. Don't try and tell me I wasn't swollen.
I know better and now I can prove it.

I think maybe my food issues is due to stress. I am really stressed right now. While I still love my new job, my boss has been less than spectacular. I think he is discriminating against me. Not is a really bad way. It has to do with time off. Everytime I ask for more than a day off at a time, I don't get an approval. I get "let's discuss". Everyone else in the group gets theirs approved immediately no questions asked. Like this coming week. It is spring break and I lost my sitter for the week. I asked to take off. I knew one person was off at the end of the week but he lets more than one person off all the time. He said "let's discuss". I knew what was coming because he said the same thing to me at Christmas and I had to find a week where no one had one single day off. Well I was pissed so I didn't go see him. It would not have been wise. He instead comes to me and was very jovial. He said I could not take a single day off. I could not be spared. I told him I don't have a sitter after noon each day and no one on Wednesday. He said I have to come in until noon then go home and work remote from home for the rest of my shift each day. He said more than one person could not be off. I pointed out that the week of Derby two people are off at the same time. He said yes they are. I wanted to know how that was fair. He would not respond. He said next time I should ask before someone else. I told him how was I supposed to know another person was off when she didn't log it like she is supposed to. He just laughed. Again I was pissed. I then find out that he let this same person take off Monday when he told me I couldn't. I want to know what he has against me. I find out that he let everyone off early yesterday except me. I was working and thought it was really quiet on the other side of the wall. Yes my team is all on the same side but I was placed on the other side away from everyone. Anyway, it was quiet and about 4:30 so I went over to see what was up and no one was there. Everyone was gone even my boss. I stayed till 5pm because that is my schedule. I am so mad I see red!! I just don't get it. He gave me rave reviews at my performance review.  There may be an opening back in my old position coming soon and I may consider taking it. At least there I knew where I stood.

Easter Sunday is tomorrow. I wish everyone a blessed day.

Friday, March 23, 2012


Good News...My restriction is holding strong. Bad News...No weight lost. I don't understand it. I am keeping close track of all intake. I have tried mixing it up. No overeating. No bingeing. No snacking needlessly. I just don't get it.

I am still swollen. My legs, ankles and feet. This could be why the scale is not budging. I just don't know. I started using again. There is an app for my phone. I haven't used it about a year and a half. I keep track of everything I eat. So far I am staying just under 1280 calories. My surgeon said I should be eating between 1200 and 1800 calories a day and 80-120g of protein per day. I am eating about 1/2 a serving. Like a hamburger patty. I can eat half of a small one. On a good day I might get 3/4 of it down. Crazy. But I am not complaining because I have restriction. Something will eventually click.

Well, NSV is I bought a skirt. Yep. I know nothing major right? Well, I haven't worn a skirt/dress in about 15 years. Yes I said 15 years. I saw this cute skirt at Old Navy and bought it. Now, will I wear it? I think so if I can get this swelling down. I don't want to be showing my legs/ankles/feet that are puffy.

Ok, the results of my doctor visit. I had a reason to be concerned. I didn't hear anything until Monday when I had a message to call and make a follow up appointment as soon as possible.I called and they scheduled it for the next morning at 8:45am. They didn't know why I was asked to make the appointment.  I nearly threw up and didn't sleep Monday night. I went and she walks in and started immediately. She found 4 things on the ultrasound. The cyst, no worry as it is fluid filled not solid. A fibroid tumor. No shocker there and it is small. The next is adenomyosis. It is like the reversal of endometriosis. I won't go into details but it's not good and not much I can do about it except a hysterectomy. The last is what concerns her. I have two polyps in my uterus. She said 2% are cancerous on pre-menopausal women. Choices? Wait and re-test, remove the polyps and test them but if they are cancerous then the 3rd option is full hysterectomy would take care of all four. She feels comfortable waiting 8 weeks and doing another ultrasound and if nothing changes then again every 6 months. If it changes then we will look at surgery. I chose the waiting. Simply because I have a blood disorder which makes surgery risky, more so than usual. Mammogram came back normal, as in no changes from last year which was not a good scan. Still waiting on the last test. Hoping for good news.

Tomorrow is another day. Bring it...

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Fat Cometh, Restriction Taketh Away

As I last reported, I got a tiny fill last Monday. On Wednesday, it seems my restriction finally kicked in. At this point and time, I can only eat about 1/4c - 3/4c depending on how solid the protein is. Right now I am down 5 lbs. I am stoked but cautiously. I know the restriction could leave at any moment. I am enjoying it while I can.

Now, I have had a stressful week. Thursday I went to the doctor for my annual exam & mammogram. Yes Ladies, get that checked out each year. You never know. Last year I had my 1st mammogram since I was now 40. They found many cysts. Everything checked out okay after several more mammograms and an ultrasound. I could not feel the lumps at all. Two weeks later, I suddenly had a LARGE lump on my breast that I could feel and see it bulging and it was painful. I had it drained and fortunately it was benign. Scary stuff. Well this year I don't have my mammogram results yet. My doctor ordered an ultrasound of my ovaries because of problems I have been having. The ultrasound showed a cyst on one of my ovaries. The tech said I would hear from the doctor after she has had a chance to look at it. I haven't heard anything yet. A little nervous even though these are almost always benign. The waiting is the hard part.

So to end the week, restriction and waiting. After last year I am more than stressed about the waiting part.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Losing sad

I just realized that my follower count is going down. That is disheartening that I am losing "friends" not surprised though but still bummed about it.

Things are just Swell...well swelling actually

My swelling, edema, is getting worse. I have dealt with this for many years but when I lost a chunk of weight the swelling was mostly gone. Even in hot humid weather I wasn't swelling up. Now for the last few months I have been swelling. I has been so bad my shoes won't fit. My pant legs are too tight because my legs are swollen. It is pitting edema. Meaning I can press down on the swollen area and there is an indention that remains. It's times like these I would have my lasix on hand and take but no my doctor took me off that saying I no longer needed it. Really? I beg to differ. Increasing my water intake doesn't help. I hardly pee, TMI, and they have checked my kidneys. No problems there. I elevate my feet. Doesn't help. I have shortness of breath with comes with the swelling. I get winded walking across the parking lot at work or walking up the steps at home.

I go to my GYN today, yep ladies, it is that fun time of year again. I get violated and smashed. All perfectly legal and my insurance pays for it. I am hoping she can help with the swelling. I have APS so swelling is not a good thing.

I have some restriction now. I don't know how long it will last though. Last night I made chicken stroganoff in the crockpot. Good stuff. Chicken was crazy tender and moist. I had maybe 3-4 small bites and was stuck. Not uncomfortable stuck just stuck. I thought at the time, wow, haven't felt that in a while. Well, the stuck feeling didn't go away. I got up and walked around. Nothing. I started burping, usually that will "break it free". Nada. It progressed and it led to the bathroom. Now in the past, it would just kind of pop out, no drama, out and done. Not so this time. This was gut wrenching, nausea and heaving like I had the stomach bug type of getting sick. I made some super hot cappuccino and sipped on that. Everything calmed down but dang I was hungry. I waited about 3 hours to try and eat something. I had this bloemer's bbq shredded beef. It was more than shredded, it was pulverized beef so I took about 1/4 to 1/2 cup of that heated it and spooned it on top of a wedge of laughing cow. I was able to eat that and keep it down. I have 5.9cc in my band which is still less than I had before that fateful fill in December. I hope I find my happy place soon.

This morning my eggs and laughing cow went down okay. No problems. We shall see what today brings.

I also got on the scale this morning. Last night when I went to bed it was the same weight it has been for that last month. That scale has not budged an inch and I had a bad swelling day yesterday. So it gets me thinking that if I can get this water off I would weigh a few pounds less. Duh. Well this morning for the first time I was down a few pounds. Lately what I weighed when I went to bed I weighed the same if not a pound or two more in the morning. This is not helping the mental game my head is playing wth me. And yes I weigh myself twice a day. Once in the morning and once before bed. Why? The swelling. It became a habit. I swelled so much that on the lasix I would get up so much at night that in the morning I would be down 10 lbs of water weight. Yes I gained 10 lbs a day in swelling. I would take the lasix at night because it worked best at night but the drawback I was up and down all night. When I lost a chunk of weight it was hardly a problem. Now I have gained after my unfill in December and am up about 21 lbs right now and the swelling is back. It is an old friend that I have not missed and frankly cankles do not look good with capri pants and with the 80 degree weather I don't want to wear long pants to hide my swelling.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Got my fill...

Not much to say about that. I only got .5cc. Disappointing. I can't eat 2 hrs before a fill. I ate at noon. I had leftover rosemary ranch chicken kabob and baked beans. All protein.  By 2:30 at my appointment, my stomach was rumbling. This is the way it is daily. I am hungry after only a few hours. I don't see how .5cc is going to do anything about that. I am bummed. I now have 5.9cc in my band.

I guess the silver lining was, if you can call it that, I didn't gain anything. I didn't lose either. Again bummed about not losing. UGH!!!

Well nothing to do but keep going on I guess.  I would hope at some point I would get some decent restriction or any restriction at all would be nice. To top it off she said to come back in 6 weeks. Are you kidding me?? She said to only come back sooner IF I am in the red zone. Really? I don't think so. If I am still not losing and still hungry after 3 1/2 weeks, I will be making an appointment for the 4th week.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

restriction, oh where did you go??

It's gone. No more restriction, not that I had much to begin with. I have an appointment tomorrow to get another fill, IF they give me one. I am seeing the same person who isn't very good at finding my port. I finally found someone that could fill my band in a minute and found out she is no longer with the doctor's office.

I hope and hope I get a fill but if I do I know it will be a small one. This person won't give a large fill.

Here's the stats since my last fill...NOTHING. I didn't not lose a pound. I actually think I gained. I have to admit, this REALLY SUCKS!!! But it is part of the journey, at least my journey for now.

The truth is I am bummed. I can't and won't deny it. I have tried keeping track of my intake and that doesn't seem to make a difference. I am eating three meals and smaller portions. Still I am swollen daily. No loss. I even weigh more in the morning than I did when I went to bed the night before. I just don't get it. Something is causing it. I don't drink a lot, certainly not as much as I should. Could that be it? I don't think so because I am not drinking any less than I did when I was losing weight. I keep my sodium intake low. It is frustrating to say the least.

I bring my lunch daily now. I have my snacks. I don't know what else to do. Why did I lose weight consistently for over a year and a half to suddenly I can't lose a single pound even though I have 5.4cc in my band?

A total mystery to me.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Nothing has changed

Well it has been a few weeks since my fill and nothing has changed on the scale. I haven't lost a pound. I have some restriction. I have been keeping a journal of my eating and keeping track of calories fat and protein so I can have a visual. No budge on the scale. I just don't get it. Can it get any more depressing??

I didn't have any trouble up until December. Now nothing is going right for me. I feel like a failure and I am in this depressing slump. I have had emails from people telling me to quit being so pathetic. Really? This is my blog and I keep it real. Period!! I am not going to sugar coat it and pretend things are great if they aren't.

And things are not great right now. I don't regret my surgery at all. I know this is a bump in the road that I will have to get through somehow. The somehow is the hard part. I just don't know what to do.

I know one thing for certain, my boycott of eating out didn't last long. I rode along with my friend and brought my lunch but my restriction isn't much so I started eating out again even though I had my lunch with me. I just can't wrap my mind back where I need to be.

My desk was moved at work. I am now at the other end of the building from my friend so I won't be visiting her much. I am hoping this will give me the nudge I need to stay clear of it. Maybe if I don't ride with her at all except maybe once a week and eat out that day with her, that will work. This is all that I can think of that is causing me to not lose any weight. I haven't lost a pound. I am hovering at the same weight which is good in some respects and is better than gaining but depressing none the less. I keep a daily journal of my food intake, protein and such. So this has to be it. I feel swollen all the time. I guess I need to look at the sodium intake as well as fluid intake. I hardly drink at all. I probably only get about 40 oz of fluid a day if that. When I first had surgery, I was so strong. I brought my food daily, never ate out. Now I don't have that same resolve. Is it because I left my position I had held for many years to something new? Is it because there is no one where I am at now, that knows I had surgery so no one can hold me accountable? Everyone around me knew at my last position. I feel like I can't fix something if I don't know what is causing it.

I went to Trader Joe's. There are some interesting items there. Different things. I love the hard boiled eggs. So convenient. I eat them as is, make deviled eggs one at a time, slice on a salad or make egg salad. They don't have that sulphur smell so great to take to work. I also got turkey meatloaf muffins. Small portions topped with spinach and mashed potatoes. The turkey muffins have 13g protein. I haven't tried them yet but will let you know. You just pop them in the microwave. I also bought spicy Thai chicken pasta salad. 1/2 of the container is 14g of protein. Again haven't tried it yet but will report later.

I just wish I had the support I need here in town. I have done this alone for so long that now that I need help and support I can't find it.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

So far so good

My restriction is holding up. I am trying to make more of an effort to pre-plan although I didn't today. I had a lot of errands to run and forgot to eat and/or bring a snack. I was starving by the time I got to the grocery. Stomach grumbling and hurting. I had to grab a hardboiled egg from the deli. Not again...better planning. Got my errands done though.

I made "Fresh Takes" tonight. Using chicken tenders. Had some salad with shredded lettuce. Good eats!!! I highly recommend the fresh takes. The chicken had a crispy coating. Goodness.... important. I starting looking back through my previous posts. I realize how important it is to success. I have pre-planned my weeks dinners and lunches. Let's hope I can stick with it.

I went shopping today to get new shirts and a pair of pants. I gained a bit so most of my stuff is too tight. Had to buy a few things. Hope to be to the point where I get rid of them because they are too big.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Do you hear me smiling??

It has been a few days since my fill on Monday. My first fill since my unfill back in December. Too loose? Nope. Too tight? Nope. Just right? You know it! 

I feel restriction. I feel my fullness meter has been activated. It is such a good feeling. I am eating way less than this time last week. I feel full and stop. No issues. No problems, knock on wood.

It's amazing how much I have missed that. My whole attitude as changed since Monday. I know I am dependant on the band. It's like my personal crack. Without it I go into withdrawal. I get depressed, a hopeless feeling. I feel like I can't make it through the day without it. Yeah dramatic I know but true. Since getting my fill Monday, and feeling the restriction, my whole mood has lightened up. I am happier. I felt drawn into a depression. It was all mental. It is an addiction. Is that a good thing? I'm a little concerned about that. It shouldn't be that way. Am I so scared of gaining weight that I sabotage my success by freaking out when I get an unfill? Or has my success for a year and a half with no problems caused me to be too comfortable and not realize there are real complications and problems until I had one? By then I was unprepared?

I started writing down what I eat, calories, fat and protein content. I am trying to stay within a certain caloric intake to keep things in check, nothing extreme right now just 2000 calories. I am taking it slow and will continue to adjust that. I am focusing on protein content mainly. It seems to be working. I am also planning my meals. Taking my portions and snacks to work. I want to make sure I don't get stuck again.

Snacks this week are: yogurt, Belvita, trail mix, and apple slices.

Here is something I noticed. Not only am I feeling full but I am feeling hungry. See when I had the unfill, I never felt full but I also never had hunger pains. I just ate to be eating. Now since the fill, I feel fullness and I also get hunger pains. I hadn't realized I had not felt those in a long time until this week. I had forgotten how painful those pains can get. Yikes!


Monday, February 20, 2012

Gots Me A Fill

Oh Yeah, I am one happy girl. I went in dreading the appointment because I knew I gained. I gained 6.5 lbs in a month. No shocker there. I then dreaded the person who gives me the fill because she never can find the port opening and digs around AND she said she would only consider giving me 2cc IF I lost 8-10 lbs. Well, it seems to me if I had lost 8-10 lbs I probably wouldn't have needed a fill or that much.
I was pleasantly surprised when another techinician was there. She read through my file and disagreed with Maria. She said my weight gain is obvious that I need a fill. She put in 3cc. YIPPEE!!! I am now up to 5.4cc. Still below the 6.4cc I had right before that fateful fill that put me at 7.4cc and over the edge.

Since the fill this afternoon I have had a yogurt, because Debbie wanted me to make sure I could swallow it before 5pm when she gets off work in care there were any problems, she didn't want to wait. I then had a small container of white chili minus the chicken. I had spooned out portions without chicken because I have to eat mushies for 24 hrs. No meat, bread or pasta. I can't say I feel restriction yet but I definitely feel something. I remember that for me it kind of kicks in after a few days so we shall see. I can say I feel a slight fullness.

I will tell you without the band I have no feeling of fullness. None whatsoever. I can eat and eat and eat and never say "I am stuffed". It is scary to do that. The band is my fullness meter. I love my band. I can see without my band how dependant I really am on it. I must have it for portion control. It is a tool that I value.

Ok, so I took a big step today and told my friend that I will be bringing my lunch for a while because I need to be careful since I got this large fill. I told her I would still ride with her to get her lunch.(Thanks everyone for suggestions) She was okay with it and understood. Score!!

I am so excited. I am not upset about gaining 6.5 lbs. I am a little shocked but not surprised really. I knew I had gained since my pants were tight and my belly was sticking out. Actually I first realized my butt was getting bigger. That's okay. I have some of my "security blanket" back and ready to get it on.

So what is on my work lunch menus this week?  I am taking it easy today of course. Tomorrow probably a small container of white chili again. Good eats and protein packed with the beans. Can't forget the Beano. Gas is not my friend. Depending how it goes I may try a tamale on later in the week. I get these frozen ones in the husk at Trader Joe's. Good stuff. Taco salad is an option when I can tolerate meat. Taco meat on shredded lettuce. Very shredded lettuce. Dinner this week will be a toss up. Pork roast, chicken and meatloaf. I have stuff for me just in case this fill keeps my food choices limited. I also have yogurt and cottage cheese/green beans. Yes I like cottage cheese and green beans together. Don't judge. LOL.

Wish me luck everyone!!

Friday, February 17, 2012

Looking forward to Monday

I get my next fill Monday. I am hoping it is a good fill. I just want some restriction. I need to feel that stopper.
I have a confession. I have been eating off the cuff anything and everything I want. No thoughts about it. No stopping. Today I took a look at the nutritional content of this new restaurant that my hubby and I have been to 3 times in the past two weeks. It is a burger place called Smashburger. Now I have gotten milkshakes each time and I KNOW that was bad. No surprise there yet I was still floored.
Burger, smash fries(fries tossed in rosemary, olive oil and garlic) and a milkshake...more than 2200 calories! The milkshake alone was 810 calories. I could kick myself!!

Today I tried HARD to make more conscious choices. I took a snack with me. Pepperoni bites. Very simple and tasty. You take pepperoni slices and spread a little reduced fat garden vegetable cream cheese and top with another pepperoni slice. Each one is about 1g of protein. I had eggs for breakfast. Lunch was a chicken sandwich and side salad (lettuce was cut up real small). Dinner, I cooked a pork loin (pork loin, 1 cup sliced onions, sliced apples, Mrs Dash, pepper, garlic, ground mustard) in the crockpot for 10 hours and then shredded it and added bbq sauce. Paired it with some green beans.  I had Belvita for a little crunch and sweet snack. I did much better today than the past few days. I still have a long ways to go. With no restriction I never feel full.

So with that said, I am hoping for a good fill on Monday.

So I have been trying to remind myself what benefits I have had with the weight I have lost. Yeah I have gained some back but nothing compared to what I have lost.
I know that my health is much better. Diabetes under control. High blood pressure is too. My job is the biggest change. For the first time in 12 years I am doing something completely out of my element. For 11 1/2 years I did the same job day in and day out, medical claims examiner. 8 months ago I switched jobs to be a software tester. I do not have any formal training, no college degree. I would have not stepped out into a new area if it wasn't for the weight loss. My confidence is higher than even I see. I dove into this new job again with no training, it was basically here you go now test software. I got my 1st review yesterday and apparently I rock. HAHA. Seriously, my manager had nothing but great things to say about me. He gushed and gushed about me. We have a review system that first we review ourselves and then my manager is asked the same questions about me. The system compares our scores. We were only .3 apart. So what people see is exactly what they get. I strive to make sure I don't pretend to be something I am not. I straightforward and it definitely shows. Sometimes people think they are all that but project someone less competent. One of the questions was about being stressed in the workplace. My  manager said that he has never once seem me upset, stressed or frazzled. I told him that he never will. I explained that if people/clients see me frazzled and stressed then they won't have confidence in me that I can get the job done. Projecting confidence then following up and getting the job done earns respect and confidence in my abilities. He said I was absolutely right. I said that is why no one ever bothers me trying to see when or if I will get the job done unlike the others in my group who are bugged constantly. He said he has the utmost confidence in me and I am a valued member of the team. He looks to me for leadership and guidance and he feels I keep everyone grounded. I felt great after that. Of course he is British so it sounded even better with his accent.

I will post again after my fill...wish me luck!!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

A game of chance

The struggle continues. No restriction, no will power. It is a battle within daily. I really regret getting the unfill to some extent. I know it was dangerous for me to be stuck like that but I would almost take that over being able to eat everything.

I did have a sliming episode this week. I have determined that lettuce leaves are my enemy. I think when I had the band slippage that caused my unfill, it was due to lettuce. I had a salad around the time it started. I also think it was lettuce because I have't had it since until this week. I had a club with leaf lettuce on it and after half of a half of the sandwich I was stuck and no matter what I tried it ended up coming up. Usually when I eat a sandwich at home I use shredded lettuce so I am pretty sure the lettuce leaf was the cause. It also made me miss my restriction no matter how severe it was. I feel all my hard work is slipping away. I keep thinking about what my surgeon's office said about the next fill that she would put in maybe 2cc IF I lose 8-10 lbs. That won't be happening. Gain maybe but not lose. 

I go on the 20th so hopefully she will give me the fill. I want so badly to get back to where I was so I continue my success.

I look in the mirror and I see myself as heavy as I was 100 lbs ago. I recently had my picture taken at work for an award and when I saw the picture I cried because I was so large in comparison to a picture I had a few months ago. I feel that I look big again. I was just starting to see myself smaller and now I see myself getting bigger.

I think a part of that is due to eating out every day. On the weekends my weight usually goes back down because it is homecooking. During the week is all fast food and the weight goes up. I think due in part to sodium. I can't eat salads for obvious reasons so I don't make good choices.

I don't blame anyone but myself. I am indulging in a pity party of one.

Thursday, February 2, 2012 and chocolate

Who doesn't love chocolate? Who doesn't love February when you have a legit excuse to indulge in chocolate and an extra day to boot?

I am okay around chocolate unless it is caramel filled chocolates then I am a goner. I don't think my husband knows that about me so I should be safe this Valentine's Day. We probably won't be celebrating because we both have to work, even the weekend before we work. That's okay though. Eating out just isn't my cup of tea anymore and right now I can eat everything. I don't enjoy eating. I am not happy that I can eat whatever. I miss my band restriction. It will be a slow process, like beginning all over again.

I have conciously cut back on my bread intake. My gaining weight seems to have stalled but so is my weight loss. I guess I can't complain as long as I am not gaining right now. I have been drinking Ensure Muscle. It has 13g protein.  I have lost a lot of muscle with this weight loss. It is because I don't exercise. Losing 125 lbs without exercise has its consequences and I am paying the price.

I have no willpower. Let me say it again. I HAVE NO WILLPOWER!!! I can't say no to food but I can say no to exercise. I have no motivation. I think because I have seen I can lose weight without exercise my mind has decided that I don't need it. Hence, the hanging skin, no muscle tone, heck no muscle at all and certainly no strength. I have the equipment in my house but I won't walk the 30 steps down the hall to my dedicated exercise room to use the stuff. Sad isn't it.

This has been a depressing experience. We are going through some hard times at work and that makes it difficult to not snack and eat bad. Food has always been my crutch to lean on in bad times and with no fill then there is no reason not to eat. It is getting harder and harder. There is so much uncertainty at work about what will be happening to our positions that I just kind of give up and give in at times. No excuses, it is the plain truth. I need a band buddy here in my town. Someone to hang with who understands and can help motivate me. Someone who is going through what I am going through. No such luck finding one.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Got an itty bitty teenie weenie, little fill

I went yesterday for my fill. I hadn't realized how depressed I was until Maria looked at me and I just lost it. Tears flowed. She wanted to put .5cc, I wanted 2cc. We compromised at 1cc. This was the first time that she was able to access my port with minimal tries and less pain. I go back in 4 weeks. If I tolerate this fill well then we might get crazy and get 1.5cc next time. Oh and only if I have lost about 8-10 lbs too. She also told me again to go on an all liquid replacement meal diet. I didn't get lapband to drink shakes for all meals. Anyone would lose weight if all they had were meal replacement shakes. That's a no brainer and not for me no matter how desperate I am to lose the gained weight. My official weight gain was 15lbs.

Well, the question is, do I feel a difference? Kinda. I have a feeling I might be getting full then I stop and it goes away and my hunger pains start again. I can still eat bread. Not good. I did get a hamburger today with all the fixins on it. It was a junior burger so it was small. I ate the whole thing. A few hours later I ate 1/2 cup of chili. Dinner was 3 meatballs with spaghetti sauce (meatballs cooked in spaghetti sauce in the crockpot). Breakfast was an egg. Considerably less than usual since I was eating 3-4 times that amount.

I added a recipe for Asian Lettuce Wraps. OMG it is delish and super easy to make. Reheats really well. Check my recipes page.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Been a little while

I have been taking time to reflect and well, just survive. Trying to not gain more weight than I already have. I saw my weight creeping up higher and higher. At one point I was up more than 25 lbs. That is down a bit. I have a weight gain total now of 14 lbs.

I am being consumed by negativity and negative thoughts. See, when I tried dieting before, Weight Watchers, I had a very bad experience. I asked for help when I had gained and was told "It happens". They wouldn't look at my journal that I meticulously kept. They wouldn't even talk to me about it. They wanted me to move along because people were waiting in line. What made that more of a slap in the face was the fact that the person before me had gained and they spent 20 min going over their journal and discussing it with them. Some may say, well it might be the staff, look for another group to join. Well I did and each and every time I was treated exactly the same way. I discovered it had to be me. That was part of my decline.

When I had lapband surgery  it was my way of clawing out of the muck. This is a special society where we all face similar if not the same trials every day so we can relate and help each other. While in the 20 months since my surgery I have not had any real set backs until recently, the support has been encouraging and probably what kept me going with all the positive help. But now that I am struggling and fighting within myself, no one seems to care. My food pusher of a husband is back in full push mode. My friends who were so supportive seem glad to have the old, let's eat everything friend back so they aren't trying to keep me on track because they know I don't have my band to help me right now. I have come so far and it is troubling to think that people don't really care. They are trying to bring me down and I can't stop them.

Monday I get my fill but because of my past problems she only wants to give me a tiny fill which won't do squat. I have to convince her to put in a substantial fill. I believe that the problem was related to an aggressive fill when I already had 6.4cc in the band. Up till then having even a 3cc fill was no problem. Plus the fact that I pay cash for each visit which is $300 I can't afford to come back every few weeks for a little fill. Somehow I have to convince her more is better.

If I can't convince her then I don't know what I will do.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Losing weight? Nope, losing my mind!!

I have said it before and I will say it again. This un-fill is my un-doing. The weight is coming back on and I konw it is entirely my fault. I admit it. I have NO WILL POWER. NONE!!
The un-fill was done and I can eat anything and everything and I am. There is no stopping me. Bread is my enemy. I have eaten very little bread in the last year and a half but in the last few weeks I have managed to eat 10Xs more bread than I have combined in the last year. If I can eat a sandwich I do for every meal if I can. See with the band, bread was a big no no. If I could eat bread then I needed a fill. It was my marker. Now, I can't get enough bread. And I can't not have bread in the house because my family can eat bread. Usually it is a non issue since the band keeps me from eating it. I miss my band being full.

I had to move my fill appointment from tomorrow until Monday the 23rd because I forgot my daughter had an appointment at the same time. One more week.

I hate to say it but I have gained more than 20lbs. I am still swollen. My feet feel about to bust open. My fingers are sausagy, that's not a word but you get the gist. My pants are too tight. My shoes are too tight. My lips are swollen which in reality is what we pay money for lip plumper for but still not a good thing.
I also think I an dehydrated. I am hardly drinking liquids and my urine is pale and cloudy. I know TMI but it happens.

Again, one more week.....very scared of what's happening.

Also a little more than depressed. I started a banded facebook page to discuss band issues separate from my personal life. I put on there I needed help, a pep talk and you know what I heard back? Crickets. Nothing not a peep. No one responded. I hate feeling alone. I felt that way with weight watchers and now again with my band. It's interesting when you are successfull people are encouraging but when you are raging a battle within and you are slipping away no one cares. Maybe its just me.

Monday, January 9, 2012

New App for my phone

I have an android phone and have recently downloaded the "Lose It" app. I really like it and highly recommend it. You can set it to record the details you want to know. You set your daily caloric intake and other areas you want to track. For me it is protein and fat, not that I pay too much attention to fat when I focus on protein. Pretty handy. You also log your weight and it keeps a chart for you.

Well, I am hanging in there. Still gaining, still swollen, still worried of what I will put on before my next fill.

Now for some positive. I don't do vegetables usually with my previous fill because there was no room after protein. Not so much an issue right now however, I have found a replacement that allows me to get fruits and veggies in. V8 fusion, Strawberry/banana. Tasty and it's fluids. I have at least one a day as it is a serving of fruit and a serving of veggies in each little can.

In addition to that I have found a cereal with 10g protein that is pretty good. Special K protein cereal. A bowl of cereal and 1/2c milk is 18g protein. That's more protein and less fat than my usual breakfast of egg, laughing cow cheese and bacon. Now, is it more filling?? The jury is still out. Of course, I also have my Nature Valley Protein bar, 10g protein. Which by the way is hard to find. I can only speculate that since it isn't even listed on their website that is a test market. If I could find it again I would buy several boxes.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Sad Reality

Since my unfill, my weight is going back up. Yes I was swelling and still am very swollen which has never stayed this long. Probably due to the fact I have been eating not so good for you foods. Namely BREAD.  I have missed bread and since I have found out I can eat bread I am eating it all the time and with all the "good" foods that can go on bread.

My swelling is in my feet, legs, hands and it effects my breathing. Walking a short distance in the parking lot at school causes heavy breathing, something I haven't done in over a year.

I know I don't have any willpower at all. Having this unfill, if nothing else has shown me that I truly have no willpower. It affirms my decision for lap band and oh how I miss my lapband. I don't like not having restriction of any kind. I don't have any stopping point.

I am up a total of 13 lbs. The only positive thing I have done is not drink soft drinks. Oh the negative things I have done are too many to list.

I go in for a fill on the 16th. I hate to think how much I will be up by then.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

New Product

190 calories
12g fat (7g monounsaturated)
6g sugar
5g fiber
10g protein

Not the best but sure is dang tasty. It is like a candy bar. Loads of peanuts, chocolate chips, chewy, rice krispies. Just had to share.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012's such a dirty word!

What word could that be? Well for me it is ****EXERCISE****

So I need your help. I hate exercise. I have no good viable excuse not to exercise other than I just plan refuse. I have a home "gym" with a treadmill, elliptical, recumbent bike and hand weights. I have the Wii fit board and Wii zumba. My work has a fitness facility on site for free.

I need interesting, fun exercise possibilities. Something someone who absolutely hates exercise and who would much rather sit and watch someone else exercise than actually do it. I can't keep going like this. 19 months post op and I have yet to exercise for any credible time.

I wish I could afford a personal trainer. No such luck there.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

So much for a new beginning

It is January 3rd 2012 and I have already screwed things up. I know a lot. I know I eat things I shouldn't. I know I continue to eat when I should stop. I know I am using my un-fill as a crutch and excuse. I am a KIA. (Know It All)

I am supposed to go for my scheduled fill on Thursday of course this was before my un-fill so I am rescheduling it and yes I am going to reschedule. I need time for my stomach to heal and no this is not an excuse. That episode freaked me out and yes I am scared of a fill but I think I am more scared of what could happen and is happening without the fill.

You know what I can eat? Doughnuts. Bread. Pasta. Beef Stew Meat, Pot Roast. Not small amounts but LARGE amounts. It takes a lot for me to get full right now and believe me I have tried to find out just how much it takes to get full.

I talk a big talk about starting over and a new day. I know all of this stuff in my head. Knowing it and following it are two completely different things. Mentally I have checked out.

I am eating all these high sodium foods and barely drinking any fluids. I am swollen and sat around all weekend on my butt watching "Bones" episodes on Netflix.

Some New Year. I have no motivation, nothing to work towards. No goal.

Yeah this is me whining. Sometimes you just gotta get it out. I go through this from time to time. I feel elated then deflated. Happy then sad. Good then bad. Energized then fatigusized. That isn't even a word.
Seriously, I don't know if maybe it is related to the non stop night hot flashes that leave me soaked that I have been having for the past few days. Last night I didn't sleep a wink. One minute I am burning up sweating then I kick off the covers and freeze. Cover back up and then kick them off. Then I cover up and uncover only one leg thinking maybe just a little breeze won't cause me to freeze. All night long!! Then this morning I get ready for work, sweating the entire time. It was only 18 degrees this morning and it felt like spring to me. I get to work and turn on my desk fan because I am still sweating. Then after all of the continuous sweating all night long, it is gone and I am spending the next few hours with goosebumps and chills.

I have decided, I am in a FUNK.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

A New Year, a new beginning?

I hope everybody rang in the New Year responsibly, especially those with WLS. Ending the year on a who-gives-a-crap mentality calls for "A New Beginning". Show of hands, who had that mentality last night as they partied? My hand goes up except for the partying part.

As you know, I had the un-fill and it was my undoing yesterday. I was good until around 5pm until 1am. I had my eggs for breakfast, good girl. I had a 6" sub from Subway (yes I got it with salt/pepper and yes I swelled right up, dang it, I love it that way and I am paying for it.). I went to the grocery and got stuff for our private, just me hubby and the kids celebration. I made ham ranch rollups & green chili rollups. Both not bad at all and a good source of protein. Put them in the fridge to chill. Made taco dip for hubby. Again not bad either. Made taco fixins, queso with beef and that was it. I had ice cream for our annual tradition of ice cream floats at midnight. All was good except how many times I went back for ALL of it, all before we ever had our ice cream floats. I ate and ate and at one point my stomach was so full all I could think of was throwing up to relieve the pressure. I didn't though because then I probably would have eaten again because I had room. It was a sad cycle. We finally had floats and I broke my cardinal rule of no soft drinks however it was diluted with ice cream and had no carbonation left. I had a headache when I finally crawled into bed and rightly so.

This morning I wake up still feeling bloated, fingers fat, ankles puffy, face feeling swelled and get on the scale. Now to make you understand, I am not a scale whore. I don't get on it daily as a weight obsession. More of a swelling obsession. I have had problems with edema(swelling in hands/legs/feet) for years. I could go up 10lbs in a day in water retention and get up the next morning, after peeing all night, and be down most if not all of that 10lbs. Thus it was a way to figure out what I had the day before that was causing the weight/water gain. So, back to the scale, I get on it this morning, New Year's Day and I am up 11 lbs! OMG!!!!

So Happy New Year to me and my New Beginning...Again.

What are your New Year's Resolutions?
1. get this water weight off
2. cut back all foods that cause water retention
3. Carefully watch my food intake while I am on the track to a re-fill
4. Exercise
5. Choose a goal weight, finally, and get to at least half of the distance to the goal this year.
6. Don't beat myself up for mistakes, they happen. Learn from them and move forward.
7. Did I mention exercise? yeah it has to be on here twice because I am sure to break that resolution. Maybe #8-#1000 needs to be exercise. I hate it. I don't stick with it and never feel guilty about it. I don't know why I can't find something I actually like and can stick with it.  I have tried a little of everything but a lot of nothing.

You know that's the thing about new days, it is always a new beginning. No matter how bad the day before was, each morning brings a new beginning if you need it. Sometimes I need it.

So, I start my New Year with 1cc in my band. I can eat everything that isn't nailed down and will. I need time for my band/stomach to heal so I won't get a fill right now. So I have a few weeks until I get a fill and with the recent problems she isn't putting in more than 1/2 cc at a time. It will be slow going.

Happy New Year Everyone, may you be richly blessed.