Saturday, January 21, 2012

Been a little while

I have been taking time to reflect and well, just survive. Trying to not gain more weight than I already have. I saw my weight creeping up higher and higher. At one point I was up more than 25 lbs. That is down a bit. I have a weight gain total now of 14 lbs.

I am being consumed by negativity and negative thoughts. See, when I tried dieting before, Weight Watchers, I had a very bad experience. I asked for help when I had gained and was told "It happens". They wouldn't look at my journal that I meticulously kept. They wouldn't even talk to me about it. They wanted me to move along because people were waiting in line. What made that more of a slap in the face was the fact that the person before me had gained and they spent 20 min going over their journal and discussing it with them. Some may say, well it might be the staff, look for another group to join. Well I did and each and every time I was treated exactly the same way. I discovered it had to be me. That was part of my decline.

When I had lapband surgery  it was my way of clawing out of the muck. This is a special society where we all face similar if not the same trials every day so we can relate and help each other. While in the 20 months since my surgery I have not had any real set backs until recently, the support has been encouraging and probably what kept me going with all the positive help. But now that I am struggling and fighting within myself, no one seems to care. My food pusher of a husband is back in full push mode. My friends who were so supportive seem glad to have the old, let's eat everything friend back so they aren't trying to keep me on track because they know I don't have my band to help me right now. I have come so far and it is troubling to think that people don't really care. They are trying to bring me down and I can't stop them.

Monday I get my fill but because of my past problems she only wants to give me a tiny fill which won't do squat. I have to convince her to put in a substantial fill. I believe that the problem was related to an aggressive fill when I already had 6.4cc in the band. Up till then having even a 3cc fill was no problem. Plus the fact that I pay cash for each visit which is $300 I can't afford to come back every few weeks for a little fill. Somehow I have to convince her more is better.

If I can't convince her then I don't know what I will do.


♫ Drazil ♪ said...

EVERYONE here still cares - even when you aren't doing well. People's reaction to your band not working is about THEM - not YOU - and shame on them for not realizing you need them more now than ever. Keep coming HERE - where everyone has been where you are and has felt what you felt. Screw everyone else. It's part of the journey but you don't to be in it alone.

FitBy40 said...

I hate that your docs office charges so much for a visit. I thought mine was bad at $70.
Be careful with too much of a fill because I just had to have a full CC taken out as I was unable to eat any food at all. You don't want to end up harming yourself and then being in a worse situation.
We're here for you. Hang in there!
Keep in mind people have been having a heck of a time leaving comments lately so that might be part of the problem.
Hoping this comment shows up!