Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Been a hard week

This has been a really hard week. A co-worker was fired yesterday. Another co-worker was reprimanded. I found out today that the supervisor's job was offered to another person, who also happens to be in my unit and I am her team leader so that makes me feel and look like a loser. Officially I haven't been notified yet. She has been made an offer for the job. She said she had to think about it. She is remote, works from home, and this job would mean she has to come back into the office and now she just isn't sure she wants to do it. Most likely she will though. If by chance she doesn't accept it, then I am 2nd choice. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It would be hard to accept the job knowing I was 2nd choice only because the 1st choice decided to bail. I doubt I will find out how that feels. I am sure she will accept. Tomorrow will be the day they announce it I think. oh goes on I guess.
I need to get back to the doctor for a follow up. I canceled my last appointment and have not had the time to even call and reschedule. I am about 3 weeks overdue. My 6 months of free follows ups ends in November. Guess I need to get back to seeing them. I don't think I need a fill though. I also am not losing much weight right now. My PCP cut my bp meds in half and I am starting to swell up more often. I had a bp med that has a diuretic in it and now that it is cut in half I am swelling in my feet again. Not as bad as before but it is there.
I am eating okay but I have been eating more candy and sweets. Not because I crave it but because I am soooooooooo stressed at work right now. I know it is a bad habit but right now it is the best I can do. I can't pig out so this is as close as I can get.
What I ate today...
2 eggs, 1 wedge of laughing cow lite swiss
grilled hamburger patty, with jalapeno cheese slice
baked beans, chips
4 Dove caramel chocolates
handful of cheese popcorn
2 bottles of Vitamin water zero-Rise.

I am not the least bit hungry right now.

Well on to tomorrow....

Friday, September 24, 2010

The week in review

It has been a long week. Band-Wise nothing new really going on. Occasionally still getting stuck, but no major episodes. I find it is just best to avoid the foods that cause the issue.
I had thought that after all this time I had educated people around me (friends, family, co-workers) as to what I can eat and how much. The misconception that most people have about the amount of food has been trying this week. I even had the same ideas but have since learned it's not true. Here's the deal and I have said it in the past. I am not supposed to be eating 1/4 of a kiddie portion of food. Yes that is what was told to me this week when I was trying to enjoy my lunch. I was informed I was eating too much and was told what's the point of the surgery if you are just going to pig out again. OK, first, who the hell do you think you are to stand there and proceed to try and tell me what I should or should not be doing with regards to my band? Second, you are not one to talk considering you aren't doing squat about your weight issues. Lucky for him I didn't address that. Not my place to do that. Not my issue. I am dealing with mine. Anyway, I just sat there for sec and thought really? You have nerve but I very calmly explain, AGAIN, that he was wrong. I am supposed to eat a salad plate size portion of food at every meal. Again he says well what's the point in that? lose weight in a healthy way? DUH?? I told him that the point is not to starve myself but to eat healthy portions not bird sized portions. He mumbled that is so not true as he walked away. SERIOUSLY?? Don't come up in my space and try and tell me what I am doing wrong when you are not me and you do not have a band and even if you had the band you are again not me. Everyone is different and has different needs or requirements with the band.
Here's the kicker, I was at one point eating teeny weeny portions, and was still hungry some days and barely losing weight. Oh the scale was still going down just very slowly. Then vacation happened. I didn't have much restriction while on vacation and was able to eat what I thought was much larger amounts of food. I dreaded coming back to my appointment because I just knew I gained weight. Nope! I lost more than ever before. My nurse said that it was because I ate more. I told her that was crazy because even the binder that the doc's office gave me said my pouch would only hold 4 ounces. She said well, that was not exactly true. She then explained what I should eat and how much. I was shocked and believe me it has been a challenge to re-train my thought process to eat more when the purpose was to eat less. I am eating less than before the surgery so all is good. My weight loss has continued to go down in healthy increments and I am much happier for the normal sized food portions.
Right now I don't feel I need another fill. I think I am in the green zone. Yes some things get stuck, that is the nature of the beast within, aka lap band. LOL!! Overall though I am not hungry between meals. I eat 3 times per day. I generally rarely eat a snack unless I am bored so I make a point to avoid that but there is nothing wrong with a couple of cheese and crackers or a few chips or even a Dove Bliss once in while or even a tid bit daily. MM...chocolate.
The point of the band is that it should be such an integral part of me that I don't even notice it. That is where I am now. It is my life so I don't think about it anymore other than the foods that I know get stuck. Those I do think about. I also think about that I know if I wait too long between meals then more foods that normally don't get stuck will. It is my life now.
I hate getting off on this tangent but why do some people feel they have the right to question what I do with my body or my band? I have never flaunted my band in front of anyone. I don't talk about it at work at all. I will answers questions but when some dip wad comes up to my desk while I am enjoying a nice lunch and say things that stupid I have to vent.
On the home front, things are better. Are they great? No but definitely better. He is keeping his comments to himself and has backed off on his obsession somewhat. I am not putting up with it so he might as well give it up.
I had my 1st interview for the Supervisor position on Wednesday. I was sooo nervous. I'm not sure I did so well. I had the impression that she was trying to talk me out of it. Which is strange considering she can just not pick me. Why try to talk me out of it? The first thing she said to me was that she was shocked I applied. When I asked her why she just kind of hedged around it and said she didn't know. Really? I didn't buy that.  She told me it was a thankless job and proceeded to tell me how terrible the job was. Why do that? I know exactly what the job is so what is her deal? My supervisor told me that the rule is now if you are turned down for a job and ask them why they MUST give you specific reasons on why the other person was a better fit for the position. Not to toot my own horn but I would be considered an expert for this client so I guess she will have to come up with a really good reason not to choose me. We shall see but another reason why I don't feel good about my chances is that another co-worker applied and when she went to her interview the first thing said to her was that she was that person's first pick even before she posted the job. This person has experience with this client but I have more current knowledge and insight to the client and access to the client as the team leader and coincidentally her team leader too.  She on the other hand was a supervisor for this unit we applied for but that was 12 years ago and she chose to step down in rank to her current position. We shall see.
Good clothes news...
This week was business casual at work. No jeans! I have only been wearing jean capris because that is what I had that was comfortable and fit, somewhat. So I had to find clothes for this week and now apparently next too. Casual dress pants. I tore up my house looking for clothes. I found 4 pairs of capri/crop khakis or black pants. They all fit. I was nervous about the 4th pair since they were a few sizes smaller than the others. All my pants have been washed and dried many many times over so in reality they are already smaller than the size in them. I put on the 4th pair yesterday and they fit!! And they were comfortable. Life is good.

Life life on purpose with a purpose

Friday, September 10, 2010

Times, they's a changing

It seems each day, each week, each month things around me are changing. I am just now beginning to realize that others around me see changes and they are starting to react to them.
For instance, when I was on vacation, for the first time, I didn't feel like people were looking at me. Oh I know I am still big but for some reason I didn't FEEL as big.
At work, people who know I had the surgery tell me they notice it in my face. I can too now. I like what I see for once. I no longer get depressed looking in the mirror when getting ready in the mornings.
At work, they now notice when I do my hair differently. It's a good feeling.
I am buying clothes off the rack, well it is still at Lane Bryant but usually shirts don't fit me. I have to buy online at and get bigger than usual sizes. Not any more.
Today I went to the doctor to do a med check. My BP was 104/56. It has NEVER been that low. So once again she reduced my BP meds. She wants to do it slowly so we can monitor my BP to make sure it doesn't start going up. In a month we should know if we can lower it again. It was cut in half today. She is so impressed with my progress. I am so grateful to her for telling me I need to lose the weight for my life. That it now was life or death. She suggested the lap band but clearly said for me to research it and research local surgeons but that she would not be part of the selection process. Once I have a doctor she will monitor my meds and anything they need her to do but she would be there 100% and she has been.
The lap band has been the best decision I ever made and regret not doing it sooner but I think this was just the right time to do it. I believe that is why I am successful.
Well, an update on my life with lap band.
I am still getting stuck almost daily. It isn't bad but at times I had to get hot cider or hot coffee and that relaxes everything and the food goes on through. Or I drink a hot drink before eating and that too takes care of it. I have decided that bread it not worth it. I don't even want to chance it anymore. I ate a hamburger last night from the grill without bread. It wasn't as satisfying but I was able to eat without getting stuck. Well worth it.
I view the getting stuck as a warning alert for me to slow down or choose something different to eat. It could end up being a positive thing. Before this last fill, I had no warnings at all. I could and did eat everything with no trouble. Bread, pasta, problems.

Well good things are happening and continue to happen. Life is good. I am good. What more could I ask for?

Friday, September 3, 2010

Stress is my enemy

Stress is the root of all evil. Well okay, not ALL evil but a good bunch of it. Stress causes breakouts, hair falling out, weight gain, weight loss and evidently causes food getting stuck.
I have had many episodes the last two weeks where my food got stuck. Some minor and one very horrible.

What have I learned? I can't get upset or be upset when eating. If I am stressed at all the food gets stuck but it is hot cider to the rescue.

TMI alert...I had to go shopping today for new bras. Come on ladies, you know it is important. With weight loss you know the 1st place you lose it is in the "girls". So I needed new bras. I get a smaller size but they were too small. I am like "huh?". I go back and get fitted and apparently my size is bigger than before. Again, "huh?" That makes no sense. Same band size, bigger cup. Now that makes no sense at all. So I wonder if I was wearing the wrong size all along? I just don't understand it.

I fixed a nice dinner tonight. Meatloaf, mashed potatoes and salad. It went down just fine and was delicious!
My food today consisted of scrambled eggs w/laughing cow cheese for breakfast. Carne asado for lunch and the above for dinner. Drank Vitamin water zero Rise in between.

I had to buy new t-shirts today because my clothes are getting too dumpy. That was a little nerve wrecking. I tried on smaller clothes and they didn't fit. They were too small. Again with the "huh?" I just don't get it. I should be in smaller clothes so none of this makes sense. I am still wearing the same size as before. I do admit they fit better but it still doesn't make sense.

How can a 56lb loss not mean smaller clothes? 

Peace out......................................