Sunday, February 26, 2012

So far so good

My restriction is holding up. I am trying to make more of an effort to pre-plan although I didn't today. I had a lot of errands to run and forgot to eat and/or bring a snack. I was starving by the time I got to the grocery. Stomach grumbling and hurting. I had to grab a hardboiled egg from the deli. Not again...better planning. Got my errands done though.

I made "Fresh Takes" tonight. Using chicken tenders. Had some salad with shredded lettuce. Good eats!!! I highly recommend the fresh takes. The chicken had a crispy coating. Goodness.... important. I starting looking back through my previous posts. I realize how important it is to success. I have pre-planned my weeks dinners and lunches. Let's hope I can stick with it.

I went shopping today to get new shirts and a pair of pants. I gained a bit so most of my stuff is too tight. Had to buy a few things. Hope to be to the point where I get rid of them because they are too big.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Do you hear me smiling??

It has been a few days since my fill on Monday. My first fill since my unfill back in December. Too loose? Nope. Too tight? Nope. Just right? You know it! 

I feel restriction. I feel my fullness meter has been activated. It is such a good feeling. I am eating way less than this time last week. I feel full and stop. No issues. No problems, knock on wood.

It's amazing how much I have missed that. My whole attitude as changed since Monday. I know I am dependant on the band. It's like my personal crack. Without it I go into withdrawal. I get depressed, a hopeless feeling. I feel like I can't make it through the day without it. Yeah dramatic I know but true. Since getting my fill Monday, and feeling the restriction, my whole mood has lightened up. I am happier. I felt drawn into a depression. It was all mental. It is an addiction. Is that a good thing? I'm a little concerned about that. It shouldn't be that way. Am I so scared of gaining weight that I sabotage my success by freaking out when I get an unfill? Or has my success for a year and a half with no problems caused me to be too comfortable and not realize there are real complications and problems until I had one? By then I was unprepared?

I started writing down what I eat, calories, fat and protein content. I am trying to stay within a certain caloric intake to keep things in check, nothing extreme right now just 2000 calories. I am taking it slow and will continue to adjust that. I am focusing on protein content mainly. It seems to be working. I am also planning my meals. Taking my portions and snacks to work. I want to make sure I don't get stuck again.

Snacks this week are: yogurt, Belvita, trail mix, and apple slices.

Here is something I noticed. Not only am I feeling full but I am feeling hungry. See when I had the unfill, I never felt full but I also never had hunger pains. I just ate to be eating. Now since the fill, I feel fullness and I also get hunger pains. I hadn't realized I had not felt those in a long time until this week. I had forgotten how painful those pains can get. Yikes!


Monday, February 20, 2012

Gots Me A Fill

Oh Yeah, I am one happy girl. I went in dreading the appointment because I knew I gained. I gained 6.5 lbs in a month. No shocker there. I then dreaded the person who gives me the fill because she never can find the port opening and digs around AND she said she would only consider giving me 2cc IF I lost 8-10 lbs. Well, it seems to me if I had lost 8-10 lbs I probably wouldn't have needed a fill or that much.
I was pleasantly surprised when another techinician was there. She read through my file and disagreed with Maria. She said my weight gain is obvious that I need a fill. She put in 3cc. YIPPEE!!! I am now up to 5.4cc. Still below the 6.4cc I had right before that fateful fill that put me at 7.4cc and over the edge.

Since the fill this afternoon I have had a yogurt, because Debbie wanted me to make sure I could swallow it before 5pm when she gets off work in care there were any problems, she didn't want to wait. I then had a small container of white chili minus the chicken. I had spooned out portions without chicken because I have to eat mushies for 24 hrs. No meat, bread or pasta. I can't say I feel restriction yet but I definitely feel something. I remember that for me it kind of kicks in after a few days so we shall see. I can say I feel a slight fullness.

I will tell you without the band I have no feeling of fullness. None whatsoever. I can eat and eat and eat and never say "I am stuffed". It is scary to do that. The band is my fullness meter. I love my band. I can see without my band how dependant I really am on it. I must have it for portion control. It is a tool that I value.

Ok, so I took a big step today and told my friend that I will be bringing my lunch for a while because I need to be careful since I got this large fill. I told her I would still ride with her to get her lunch.(Thanks everyone for suggestions) She was okay with it and understood. Score!!

I am so excited. I am not upset about gaining 6.5 lbs. I am a little shocked but not surprised really. I knew I had gained since my pants were tight and my belly was sticking out. Actually I first realized my butt was getting bigger. That's okay. I have some of my "security blanket" back and ready to get it on.

So what is on my work lunch menus this week?  I am taking it easy today of course. Tomorrow probably a small container of white chili again. Good eats and protein packed with the beans. Can't forget the Beano. Gas is not my friend. Depending how it goes I may try a tamale on later in the week. I get these frozen ones in the husk at Trader Joe's. Good stuff. Taco salad is an option when I can tolerate meat. Taco meat on shredded lettuce. Very shredded lettuce. Dinner this week will be a toss up. Pork roast, chicken and meatloaf. I have stuff for me just in case this fill keeps my food choices limited. I also have yogurt and cottage cheese/green beans. Yes I like cottage cheese and green beans together. Don't judge. LOL.

Wish me luck everyone!!

Friday, February 17, 2012

Looking forward to Monday

I get my next fill Monday. I am hoping it is a good fill. I just want some restriction. I need to feel that stopper.
I have a confession. I have been eating off the cuff anything and everything I want. No thoughts about it. No stopping. Today I took a look at the nutritional content of this new restaurant that my hubby and I have been to 3 times in the past two weeks. It is a burger place called Smashburger. Now I have gotten milkshakes each time and I KNOW that was bad. No surprise there yet I was still floored.
Burger, smash fries(fries tossed in rosemary, olive oil and garlic) and a milkshake...more than 2200 calories! The milkshake alone was 810 calories. I could kick myself!!

Today I tried HARD to make more conscious choices. I took a snack with me. Pepperoni bites. Very simple and tasty. You take pepperoni slices and spread a little reduced fat garden vegetable cream cheese and top with another pepperoni slice. Each one is about 1g of protein. I had eggs for breakfast. Lunch was a chicken sandwich and side salad (lettuce was cut up real small). Dinner, I cooked a pork loin (pork loin, 1 cup sliced onions, sliced apples, Mrs Dash, pepper, garlic, ground mustard) in the crockpot for 10 hours and then shredded it and added bbq sauce. Paired it with some green beans.  I had Belvita for a little crunch and sweet snack. I did much better today than the past few days. I still have a long ways to go. With no restriction I never feel full.

So with that said, I am hoping for a good fill on Monday.

So I have been trying to remind myself what benefits I have had with the weight I have lost. Yeah I have gained some back but nothing compared to what I have lost.
I know that my health is much better. Diabetes under control. High blood pressure is too. My job is the biggest change. For the first time in 12 years I am doing something completely out of my element. For 11 1/2 years I did the same job day in and day out, medical claims examiner. 8 months ago I switched jobs to be a software tester. I do not have any formal training, no college degree. I would have not stepped out into a new area if it wasn't for the weight loss. My confidence is higher than even I see. I dove into this new job again with no training, it was basically here you go now test software. I got my 1st review yesterday and apparently I rock. HAHA. Seriously, my manager had nothing but great things to say about me. He gushed and gushed about me. We have a review system that first we review ourselves and then my manager is asked the same questions about me. The system compares our scores. We were only .3 apart. So what people see is exactly what they get. I strive to make sure I don't pretend to be something I am not. I straightforward and it definitely shows. Sometimes people think they are all that but project someone less competent. One of the questions was about being stressed in the workplace. My  manager said that he has never once seem me upset, stressed or frazzled. I told him that he never will. I explained that if people/clients see me frazzled and stressed then they won't have confidence in me that I can get the job done. Projecting confidence then following up and getting the job done earns respect and confidence in my abilities. He said I was absolutely right. I said that is why no one ever bothers me trying to see when or if I will get the job done unlike the others in my group who are bugged constantly. He said he has the utmost confidence in me and I am a valued member of the team. He looks to me for leadership and guidance and he feels I keep everyone grounded. I felt great after that. Of course he is British so it sounded even better with his accent.

I will post again after my fill...wish me luck!!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

A game of chance

The struggle continues. No restriction, no will power. It is a battle within daily. I really regret getting the unfill to some extent. I know it was dangerous for me to be stuck like that but I would almost take that over being able to eat everything.

I did have a sliming episode this week. I have determined that lettuce leaves are my enemy. I think when I had the band slippage that caused my unfill, it was due to lettuce. I had a salad around the time it started. I also think it was lettuce because I have't had it since until this week. I had a club with leaf lettuce on it and after half of a half of the sandwich I was stuck and no matter what I tried it ended up coming up. Usually when I eat a sandwich at home I use shredded lettuce so I am pretty sure the lettuce leaf was the cause. It also made me miss my restriction no matter how severe it was. I feel all my hard work is slipping away. I keep thinking about what my surgeon's office said about the next fill that she would put in maybe 2cc IF I lose 8-10 lbs. That won't be happening. Gain maybe but not lose. 

I go on the 20th so hopefully she will give me the fill. I want so badly to get back to where I was so I continue my success.

I look in the mirror and I see myself as heavy as I was 100 lbs ago. I recently had my picture taken at work for an award and when I saw the picture I cried because I was so large in comparison to a picture I had a few months ago. I feel that I look big again. I was just starting to see myself smaller and now I see myself getting bigger.

I think a part of that is due to eating out every day. On the weekends my weight usually goes back down because it is homecooking. During the week is all fast food and the weight goes up. I think due in part to sodium. I can't eat salads for obvious reasons so I don't make good choices.

I don't blame anyone but myself. I am indulging in a pity party of one.

Thursday, February 2, 2012 and chocolate

Who doesn't love chocolate? Who doesn't love February when you have a legit excuse to indulge in chocolate and an extra day to boot?

I am okay around chocolate unless it is caramel filled chocolates then I am a goner. I don't think my husband knows that about me so I should be safe this Valentine's Day. We probably won't be celebrating because we both have to work, even the weekend before we work. That's okay though. Eating out just isn't my cup of tea anymore and right now I can eat everything. I don't enjoy eating. I am not happy that I can eat whatever. I miss my band restriction. It will be a slow process, like beginning all over again.

I have conciously cut back on my bread intake. My gaining weight seems to have stalled but so is my weight loss. I guess I can't complain as long as I am not gaining right now. I have been drinking Ensure Muscle. It has 13g protein.  I have lost a lot of muscle with this weight loss. It is because I don't exercise. Losing 125 lbs without exercise has its consequences and I am paying the price.

I have no willpower. Let me say it again. I HAVE NO WILLPOWER!!! I can't say no to food but I can say no to exercise. I have no motivation. I think because I have seen I can lose weight without exercise my mind has decided that I don't need it. Hence, the hanging skin, no muscle tone, heck no muscle at all and certainly no strength. I have the equipment in my house but I won't walk the 30 steps down the hall to my dedicated exercise room to use the stuff. Sad isn't it.

This has been a depressing experience. We are going through some hard times at work and that makes it difficult to not snack and eat bad. Food has always been my crutch to lean on in bad times and with no fill then there is no reason not to eat. It is getting harder and harder. There is so much uncertainty at work about what will be happening to our positions that I just kind of give up and give in at times. No excuses, it is the plain truth. I need a band buddy here in my town. Someone to hang with who understands and can help motivate me. Someone who is going through what I am going through. No such luck finding one.