Saturday, February 11, 2012

A game of chance

The struggle continues. No restriction, no will power. It is a battle within daily. I really regret getting the unfill to some extent. I know it was dangerous for me to be stuck like that but I would almost take that over being able to eat everything.

I did have a sliming episode this week. I have determined that lettuce leaves are my enemy. I think when I had the band slippage that caused my unfill, it was due to lettuce. I had a salad around the time it started. I also think it was lettuce because I have't had it since until this week. I had a club with leaf lettuce on it and after half of a half of the sandwich I was stuck and no matter what I tried it ended up coming up. Usually when I eat a sandwich at home I use shredded lettuce so I am pretty sure the lettuce leaf was the cause. It also made me miss my restriction no matter how severe it was. I feel all my hard work is slipping away. I keep thinking about what my surgeon's office said about the next fill that she would put in maybe 2cc IF I lose 8-10 lbs. That won't be happening. Gain maybe but not lose. 

I go on the 20th so hopefully she will give me the fill. I want so badly to get back to where I was so I continue my success.

I look in the mirror and I see myself as heavy as I was 100 lbs ago. I recently had my picture taken at work for an award and when I saw the picture I cried because I was so large in comparison to a picture I had a few months ago. I feel that I look big again. I was just starting to see myself smaller and now I see myself getting bigger.

I think a part of that is due to eating out every day. On the weekends my weight usually goes back down because it is homecooking. During the week is all fast food and the weight goes up. I think due in part to sodium. I can't eat salads for obvious reasons so I don't make good choices.

I don't blame anyone but myself. I am indulging in a pity party of one.


FitBy40 said...

Angie, you are so much stronger than this! You know what the problem is, and you can face it head on and beat it. The fast food is killing you and your self esteem. Leave it where it belongs and start bringing your lunch and snacks to work. The more junk you eat, the worse you feel, and the more depressed you become. I am familiar with this cycle!
I'm also struggling with less restriction after my un-fill, and every day is a battle for will power, but I can't let this beat me.
You CAN do this. Do it for you and your family. You don't deserve to be a failure. You're so much better and smarter than that.
Think of all the things you do on a daily basis for other people (mainly your family) and then choose to do this one very important thing for yourself. Take care of you and you'll be a happier, healthier mom.
I believe in you!

Angie said...

Eating out is pretty much required now not an option. It is the guilt I feel leaving my old position. My supervisor is having a hard time since I left and I feel guilty hence the reason we go 'pick up' our lunch daily. I have not figured out a way to stop that without hurting her feelings. She needs me or thinks she needs me. It puts me between a rock and a hard place.

Anonymous said...

Ride along but bring your food. You are worth this, Angie. You worked hard to lose the weight and you can get this back under control.

FitBy40 said...

Go along for the ride and order a coffee. It's your company she wants, not your appetite!
You can always say "I had a really big breakfast and I'm still full but I'll go with you and just get a drink".

Angie said...

I took somewhat of a stand Tuesday and told her I couldn't go to lunch with her, I was leaving work early anyway. Her response...You Dog! I can't and won't keep doing this. I appreciate the suggestion to just ride along with her but unfortunately I know her and she will make me feel guilty until I give in. I am weak that way.