Got an itty bitty teenie weenie, little fill

I went yesterday for my fill. I hadn't realized how depressed I was until Maria looked at me and I just lost it. Tears flowed. She wanted to put .5cc, I wanted 2cc. We compromised at 1cc. This was the first time that she was able to access my port with minimal tries and less pain. I go back in 4 weeks. If I tolerate this fill well then we might get crazy and get 1.5cc next time. Oh and only if I have lost about 8-10 lbs too. She also told me again to go on an all liquid replacement meal diet. Umm...no. I didn't get lapband to drink shakes for all meals. Anyone would lose weight if all they had were meal replacement shakes. That's a no brainer and not for me no matter how desperate I am to lose the gained weight. My official weight gain was 15lbs.

Well, the question is, do I feel a difference? Kinda. I have a feeling I might be getting full then I stop and it goes away and my hunger pains start again. I can still eat bread. Not good. I did get a hamburger today with all the fixins on it. It was a junior burger so it was small. I ate the whole thing. A few hours later I ate 1/2 cup of chili. Dinner was 3 meatballs with spaghetti sauce (meatballs cooked in spaghetti sauce in the crockpot). Breakfast was an egg. Considerably less than usual since I was eating 3-4 times that amount.

I added a recipe for Asian Lettuce Wraps. OMG it is delish and super easy to make. Reheats really well. Check my recipes page.

Been a little while

I have been taking time to reflect and well, just survive. Trying to not gain more weight than I already have. I saw my weight creeping up higher and higher. At one point I was up more than 25 lbs. That is down a bit. I have a weight gain total now of 14 lbs.

I am being consumed by negativity and negative thoughts. See, when I tried dieting before, Weight Watchers, I had a very bad experience. I asked for help when I had gained and was told "It happens". They wouldn't look at my journal that I meticulously kept. They wouldn't even talk to me about it. They wanted me to move along because people were waiting in line. What made that more of a slap in the face was the fact that the person before me had gained and they spent 20 min going over their journal and discussing it with them. Some may say, well it might be the staff, look for another group to join. Well I did and each and every time I was treated exactly the same way. I discovered it had to be me. That was part of my decline.

When I had lapband surgery  it was my way of clawing out of the muck. This is a special society where we all face similar if not the same trials every day so we can relate and help each other. While in the 20 months since my surgery I have not had any real set backs until recently, the support has been encouraging and probably what kept me going with all the positive help. But now that I am struggling and fighting within myself, no one seems to care. My food pusher of a husband is back in full push mode. My friends who were so supportive seem glad to have the old, let's eat everything friend back so they aren't trying to keep me on track because they know I don't have my band to help me right now. I have come so far and it is troubling to think that people don't really care. They are trying to bring me down and I can't stop them.

Monday I get my fill but because of my past problems she only wants to give me a tiny fill which won't do squat. I have to convince her to put in a substantial fill. I believe that the problem was related to an aggressive fill when I already had 6.4cc in the band. Up till then having even a 3cc fill was no problem. Plus the fact that I pay cash for each visit which is $300 I can't afford to come back every few weeks for a little fill. Somehow I have to convince her more is better.

If I can't convince her then I don't know what I will do.

Losing weight? Nope, losing my mind!!

I have said it before and I will say it again. This un-fill is my un-doing. The weight is coming back on and I konw it is entirely my fault. I admit it. I have NO WILL POWER. NONE!!
The un-fill was done and I can eat anything and everything and I am. There is no stopping me. Bread is my enemy. I have eaten very little bread in the last year and a half but in the last few weeks I have managed to eat 10Xs more bread than I have combined in the last year. If I can eat a sandwich I do for every meal if I can. See with the band, bread was a big no no. If I could eat bread then I needed a fill. It was my marker. Now, I can't get enough bread. And I can't not have bread in the house because my family can eat bread. Usually it is a non issue since the band keeps me from eating it. I miss my band being full.

I had to move my fill appointment from tomorrow until Monday the 23rd because I forgot my daughter had an appointment at the same time. One more week.

I hate to say it but I have gained more than 20lbs. I am still swollen. My feet feel about to bust open. My fingers are sausagy, that's not a word but you get the gist. My pants are too tight. My shoes are too tight. My lips are swollen which in reality is what we pay money for lip plumper for but still not a good thing.
I also think I an dehydrated. I am hardly drinking liquids and my urine is pale and cloudy. I know TMI but it happens.

Again, one more week.....very scared of what's happening.

Also a little more than depressed. I started a banded facebook page to discuss band issues separate from my personal life. I put on there I needed help, a pep talk and you know what I heard back? Crickets. Nothing not a peep. No one responded. I hate feeling alone. I felt that way with weight watchers and now again with my band. It's interesting when you are successfull people are encouraging but when you are raging a battle within and you are slipping away no one cares. Maybe its just me.

New App for my phone

I have an android phone and have recently downloaded the "Lose It" app. I really like it and highly recommend it. You can set it to record the details you want to know. You set your daily caloric intake and other areas you want to track. For me it is protein and fat, not that I pay too much attention to fat when I focus on protein. Pretty handy. You also log your weight and it keeps a chart for you.

Well, I am hanging in there. Still gaining, still swollen, still worried of what I will put on before my next fill.

Now for some positive. I don't do vegetables usually with my previous fill because there was no room after protein. Not so much an issue right now however, I have found a replacement that allows me to get fruits and veggies in. V8 fusion, Strawberry/banana. Tasty and it's fluids. I have at least one a day as it is a serving of fruit and a serving of veggies in each little can.

In addition to that I have found a cereal with 10g protein that is pretty good. Special K protein cereal. A bowl of cereal and 1/2c milk is 18g protein. That's more protein and less fat than my usual breakfast of egg, laughing cow cheese and bacon. Now, is it more filling?? The jury is still out. Of course, I also have my Nature Valley Protein bar, 10g protein. Which by the way is hard to find. I can only speculate that since it isn't even listed on their website that is a test market. If I could find it again I would buy several boxes.

Sad Reality

Since my unfill, my weight is going back up. Yes I was swelling and still am very swollen which has never stayed this long. Probably due to the fact I have been eating not so good for you foods. Namely BREAD.  I have missed bread and since I have found out I can eat bread I am eating it all the time and with all the "good" foods that can go on bread.

My swelling is in my feet, legs, hands and it effects my breathing. Walking a short distance in the parking lot at school causes heavy breathing, something I haven't done in over a year.

I know I don't have any willpower at all. Having this unfill, if nothing else has shown me that I truly have no willpower. It affirms my decision for lap band and oh how I miss my lapband. I don't like not having restriction of any kind. I don't have any stopping point.

I am up a total of 13 lbs. The only positive thing I have done is not drink soft drinks. Oh the negative things I have done are too many to list.

I go in for a fill on the 16th. I hate to think how much I will be up by then.

New Product

190 calories
12g fat (7g monounsaturated)
6g sugar
5g fiber
10g protein

Not the best but sure is dang tasty. It is like a candy bar. Loads of peanuts, chocolate chips, chewy, rice krispies. Just had to share.

Shhhh....it's such a dirty word!

What word could that be? Well for me it is ****EXERCISE****

So I need your help. I hate exercise. I have no good viable excuse not to exercise other than I just plan refuse. I have a home "gym" with a treadmill, elliptical, recumbent bike and hand weights. I have the Wii fit board and Wii zumba. My work has a fitness facility on site for free.

I need interesting, fun exercise possibilities. Something someone who absolutely hates exercise and who would much rather sit and watch someone else exercise than actually do it. I can't keep going like this. 19 months post op and I have yet to exercise for any credible time.

I wish I could afford a personal trainer. No such luck there.

So much for a new beginning

It is January 3rd 2012 and I have already screwed things up. I know a lot. I know I eat things I shouldn't. I know I continue to eat when I should stop. I know I am using my un-fill as a crutch and excuse. I am a KIA. (Know It All)

I am supposed to go for my scheduled fill on Thursday of course this was before my un-fill so I am rescheduling it and yes I am going to reschedule. I need time for my stomach to heal and no this is not an excuse. That episode freaked me out and yes I am scared of a fill but I think I am more scared of what could happen and is happening without the fill.

You know what I can eat? Doughnuts. Bread. Pasta. Beef Stew Meat, Pot Roast. Not small amounts but LARGE amounts. It takes a lot for me to get full right now and believe me I have tried to find out just how much it takes to get full.

I talk a big talk about starting over and a new day. I know all of this stuff in my head. Knowing it and following it are two completely different things. Mentally I have checked out.

I am eating all these high sodium foods and barely drinking any fluids. I am swollen and sat around all weekend on my butt watching "Bones" episodes on Netflix.

Some New Year. I have no motivation, nothing to work towards. No goal.

Yeah this is me whining. Sometimes you just gotta get it out. I go through this from time to time. I feel elated then deflated. Happy then sad. Good then bad. Energized then fatigusized. That isn't even a word.
Seriously, I don't know if maybe it is related to the non stop night hot flashes that leave me soaked that I have been having for the past few days. Last night I didn't sleep a wink. One minute I am burning up sweating then I kick off the covers and freeze. Cover back up and then kick them off. Then I cover up and uncover only one leg thinking maybe just a little breeze won't cause me to freeze. All night long!! Then this morning I get ready for work, sweating the entire time. It was only 18 degrees this morning and it felt like spring to me. I get to work and turn on my desk fan because I am still sweating. Then after all of the continuous sweating all night long, it is gone and I am spending the next few hours with goosebumps and chills.

I have decided, I am in a FUNK.

A New Year, a new beginning?

I hope everybody rang in the New Year responsibly, especially those with WLS. Ending the year on a who-gives-a-crap mentality calls for "A New Beginning". Show of hands, who had that mentality last night as they partied? My hand goes up except for the partying part.

As you know, I had the un-fill and it was my undoing yesterday. I was good until around 5pm until 1am. I had my eggs for breakfast, good girl. I had a 6" sub from Subway (yes I got it with salt/pepper and yes I swelled right up, dang it, I love it that way and I am paying for it.). I went to the grocery and got stuff for our private, just me hubby and the kids celebration. I made ham ranch rollups & green chili rollups. Both not bad at all and a good source of protein. Put them in the fridge to chill. Made taco dip for hubby. Again not bad either. Made taco fixins, queso with beef and that was it. I had ice cream for our annual tradition of ice cream floats at midnight. All was good except how many times I went back for ALL of it, all before we ever had our ice cream floats. I ate and ate and at one point my stomach was so full all I could think of was throwing up to relieve the pressure. I didn't though because then I probably would have eaten again because I had room. It was a sad cycle. We finally had floats and I broke my cardinal rule of no soft drinks however it was diluted with ice cream and had no carbonation left. I had a headache when I finally crawled into bed and rightly so.

This morning I wake up still feeling bloated, fingers fat, ankles puffy, face feeling swelled and get on the scale. Now to make you understand, I am not a scale whore. I don't get on it daily as a weight obsession. More of a swelling obsession. I have had problems with edema(swelling in hands/legs/feet) for years. I could go up 10lbs in a day in water retention and get up the next morning, after peeing all night, and be down most if not all of that 10lbs. Thus it was a way to figure out what I had the day before that was causing the weight/water gain. So, back to the scale, I get on it this morning, New Year's Day and I am up 11 lbs! OMG!!!!

So Happy New Year to me and my New Beginning...Again.

What are your New Year's Resolutions?
1. get this water weight off
2. cut back all foods that cause water retention
3. Carefully watch my food intake while I am on the track to a re-fill
4. Exercise
5. Choose a goal weight, finally, and get to at least half of the distance to the goal this year.
6. Don't beat myself up for mistakes, they happen. Learn from them and move forward.
7. Did I mention exercise? yeah it has to be on here twice because I am sure to break that resolution. Maybe #8-#1000 needs to be exercise. I hate it. I don't stick with it and never feel guilty about it. I don't know why I can't find something I actually like and can stick with it.  I have tried a little of everything but a lot of nothing.

You know that's the thing about new days, it is always a new beginning. No matter how bad the day before was, each morning brings a new beginning if you need it. Sometimes I need it.

So, I start my New Year with 1cc in my band. I can eat everything that isn't nailed down and will. I need time for my band/stomach to heal so I won't get a fill right now. So I have a few weeks until I get a fill and with the recent problems she isn't putting in more than 1/2 cc at a time. It will be slow going.

Happy New Year Everyone, may you be richly blessed.