Merry Christmas to ALL

This holiday season, including Thanksgiving, has been the first that I have been in control or at the very least felt like I had a fighting chance in life again. I am down 89 lbs and still going strong. I have a new appreciation for life again and an appreciation for my life.

I am excited to see what the new year brings. I say.....

BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Many happy wishes to each and every one. God Bless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amazing what a few days can make

So, my last post was about body image and how I couldn't see the difference. Up till now I really didn't get much feedback on my weight loss. I don't think I was looking for it but I guess maybe I was. All of a sudden in the last two days several people keep making comments to me that I am losing so much weight and that they can REALLY tell now. I am of course thanking them and to myself thinking WHERE DO THEY SEE THIS? All of a sudden it's noticeable? I am wearing the same clothes I have been wearing so it's not like I have bought smaller clothes. I am trying to "hold out" on buying more clothes until my bonus in January but I am also cautious about buying clothes that I am just going to "outgrow".

I just don't see it or understand why now it's suddenly apparent to many people that see me daily at work.
Again, I don't see it. I know that I tug on my jeans and they are snug in the waist and legs and about an hour later it is loose and by the end of the day I am pulling the pants up. So the question is do I go smaller in size, lay down on the bed and do the tug/pull to get them on and buttoned and hope that they will stretch to a normal fit? With my luck I would do that and they wouldn't stretch.
I hate yanking my drawers up throughout the day. Maybe that is what they are noticing that my pants are sagging.

Ok, I am still tight from my last fill. This is the longest I have EVER been tight. This is a good thing and I think I will prolong my next fill. Especially since I am paying for it.

Inspiration and Dedication

Wow! It's the best I can do to describe Amy William's story. http://www.amylhwilliams.com/
I thought I had obstacles to overcome but she truly has paved the way. It is impressive to say the least. Amy Williams had Gastric Bypass in 2004. If you ever thought about the surgery or questioned whether it is worth it just check out HER story. It is amazing.

There are times when I question whether I did the right thing having Lap Band surgery. Was it worth it? Will it really make that much of a difference? YES YES YES!!! How can losing more than 80lbs not be the right thing, not worth it or not make a difference? Mentally I haven't lost weight because I am still holding on to my previous self image. I still don't truly "see" the weight loss. I look in the mirror and I can't say I see the difference. I look at pictures of myself from 6 months ago and compare to pictures now and I still don't see the differences. I need a mental makeover. I just don't know what it will take for me to see the difference.

Yes clothes fit differently but yet not as different as you would think 80lbs would make. Maybe I am expecting more than I should therefore I am not seeing what really is there? I just don't know.

I am a work in progress...

Two Weeks and counting down...

It has been about two weeks since my last fill. I am still VERY tight. This is a first ever. Usually after one week I have loosened up. Not so this time around. I am losing about a half pound a day. I'm not hungry between meals but when I am hungry I am so tight I can eat very little. I am lucky if I eat a cup of food. I am bound and determined to not get into the habit of eating mushies just because it goes down easier. I think that will cause me to start eating too much.

My day today, food-wise:
2 scrambled eggs w/1 laughing cow cheese wedge

Homemade vegetable beef soup 3/4 c

Spaghetti with meat sauce 1 cup

I of course drink Vitamin Water zero throughout the day.

I have continued with the D3 and Biotin. I think it is making a difference. I feel my stomach is flatter and that may be why my weight is continuing to go down. I will definitely keep it in stock. It sure can't hurt.

Well I am cutting this short today. I am tired and really want to get to sleep. All this ice is wearing me out.

To the doubters and the nay-sayers...

LET IT GO!!! I mean really? Why meddle in my business like you know me when you don't. I am talking about those who think they have the right to tell me that what I am eating is not correct for lap band and that I am eating too much and too much fat.

Well here are the facts! One...yes I eat every one of my recipes posted on a regular basis and yes they are not always low fat. Two...I eat whatever I want, PERIOD! Look, what works for me won't always work for others and what works for others won't always work for me. That is just the facts of life. Deal with it.

Here's the other fact: I have lost more than 80 lbs. Since May 2010. So, my question is what am I doing wrong? Nothing that's what. What I am doing for me is work for me. KEYWORD: ME. Don't judge me or try and tell me what I am doing is wrong. It's working and frankly I am very happy. This has not put a strain on my life other than when I get stuck or am tight. The rest is well my life in all its glory so how can it be wrong?

Sorry to vent but I am tired of the negativity. What I have accomplished is a positive thing and there is nothing more to say about it. If you can't be encouraging then do be anything. Would you like it if I was to meddle in your business and put you down or make light of your successes?

I think not....

One week and still tight as a drum

Well tomorrow will be one week since I got my adjustment. WOW what a difference. I am so tight now!!
I eat 2 bites and then I am stopped solid. It's like I hit a wall. It takes about 20 minutes and then I feel a "pop" like a dam has broke and I feel it start to loosen up. I am able to eat a little more for about a cup total.

I have tried all tricks and it doesn't matter whether it is a soft food like scrambled eggs or a solid like chicken. I get stuck regardless. I have tried drinking scalding hot apple cidar about 10-15 min before I eat and I have tried drinking it only when it gets super stuck as in painfully stuck. Nothing works other than sitting there and letting it do it's own thing. I seriously can only sit there. I can't bend over, lean over or even strain my stomach in any way shape or form until it passes.

I am only eating 3 times a day and like I said I am only eating about a cup. At breakfast it is even less. Nothing more than 1 egg scrambled and that takes me about 20 minutes to choke it down.

I am on vacation this week so being stressed is not a factor this week. I am just vegging out at home, doing a little online and in store shopping for Christmas. It can only be the fill. I don't think I am too tight but I have to seriously rethink my food choices and CHEW CHEW CHEW and then CHEW CHEW some more.

I think this adjustment will last me until January. I can say one thing, eating out will NOT be on the menu for a while. It is too difficult and being tight is so unpredictable. I go back to work next week and will definitely be taking all my food with me. It is going to be interesting to say the least.

Since I am home all week I have been cooking dinner all week. The family loves this. I have made fettucini alfredo with chicken, crockpot cheeseburger sloppy joes, fish, ham and pasta casserole. I am also going to make chicken cordon bleu casserole and chili mac over the next few days. The family is loving it.
But I am running out of meal ideas that will appeal to both the family and my band. There are some nights, like fettucini night that I just snacked because I can't eat pasta. It will be the same with the chili mac. I need fresh ideas and really want crock pot ideas.

Waist not want not

My last appointment at the beginning of November left me with a decision. Adjustment or no adjustment? I had horrible heartburn and feared that an adjustment would put more pressure on my stomach and make the heartburn even worse. I chose to fore go the adjustment. The heartburn has cleared up and I have refilled my Protonix prescription for just these occasions. That way if the heartburn creeps up I don't have to suffer. I take one as needed. I also weighed the fact that I didn't want to be tight at Thanksgiving. Not that I wanted to eat a lot but I didn't want to be running to the bathroom because I was stuck.

The downside to not getting the adjustment is I had no restriction what so ever. I was always told that for something to become a habit you need to do it continuously for 21 days. Then it becomes the new norm. Really?  Because I think if I have been doing a habit for 20+ years, I don't think 21 days will change that. It will take much longer especially if it is a deep rooted habit. Now don't get me wrong, some habits can be changed in a short time period. I gave up soft drinks cold turkey and never looked back. I think I was successful because I found something else that I liked just as much if not better that replaced it. Vitamin Water Zero, rise flavor. But really, I don't think there is an adequate substitute for eating that would make changing your eating habits that easy. So having said that, I found that even though for over 6 months I have consistently eaten smaller meals and only 3 meals a day, when I didn't get the fill, it was easy to fall back into my old habits and eat larger meals and more often. Snacking was easy when there wasn't any restriction and because there was no restriction I was hungry more often.

The result of all this? I only lost 1 lb in a month. It was very disheartening yet at the same time I was glad it was a loss and not a gain. I feel a little like I have lost a month since I didn't lose as much as I usually do. I can see how I easily slip back into the old habits of eating more. That scares me a lot. I wonder if I will ever be able to eat without the help of the band. It is worrisome to know that I don't have control even after all this time. It also reaffirms my decision to have the surgery because I would have never done what I have so far without the surgery. Thank you my lovely lap band.

More not so good news, my BP was up. My doctor cut my medicines way down and as a result my BP has crept up but in the last month had jumped back up. 133/88. Looks like I may have to get higher dosages.

More not so good news, AGAIN. I paid cash for my surgery so my insurance doesn't cover anything related to the surgery. My office visit is covered but they charge $100 for the adjustment. I may be paying $100 a month for adjustments if I need them that often. It's funny how when I was within my 6 months of free adjustments they told me to come back every 4 weeks. Now that I am paying cash for the adjustments they told me that I can come back every 2 weeks if I feel I am not getting the restriction I need. Well of course you would. They never offered that before other than to say if you need us or feel the adjustment isn't enough give us a call but this time they specifically said I could get fills every 2 weeks. Sorry, I don't have an extra $100 every two weeks.

 Well I got my adjustment and now have 5.8 in my band. I am hoping to change a few things and hopefully this next month will be more successful.