Crazy mixed up

After weeks and weeks of not being able to keep solid food down most days, I have been able to eat the past two days. Why? Heck if I know. Now don't get me wrong, I can't everything but I am eating more/better whatever you want to call it. I made tatertot casserole. Super Simple and is band friendly for me. Well right now anyway. Easy recipe that can be tweaked per family likes. Tatertot Casserole 2-3 lbs ground beef 2 cloves minced garlic 1 small diced onion 1/2c diced green pepper salt/pepper to taste 1 can cream of celery 2 cans cream of chicken 1/2 c shredded cheese Brown ground beef with onion, garlic and green pepper. Drain. Add salt and pepper, a can of cream of chicken and can of cream of celery. Mix well. Spoon into 9x13 pan. Mix can of cream of chicken with 1 can milk. Top beef with even layer of tater tots. Pour soup on top. Cover with foil. Bake at 400 for 30-45 minutes. Uncover and top with 1/2 shredded cheese. Bake until melted and lightly browned. Today I made fall off the bone tender baby back ribs in the oven no less. I was able to eat 3 ribs. I also made slow cooked green beans. 1/2 c of those as well. It was a good eating day for me. I wonder how much I will pay in the weight department? Tender Baby Back Ribs 1 rack of baby back loin ribs BBQ rub favorite BBQ sauce or make your own Dry ribs. Run knife under the membrane on the back of the ribs. Grab with paper towel and pull the membrane off. Pat down the ribs with paper towels. Sprinkle generously with the rub. Wrap in plastic wrap and put in fridge for at least 2 hrs. Take out and let set until room temperature. Preheat oven to 300. Tightly wrap rack in foil and place on cookie sheet. Cook in oven for 2 hours. Open foil and baste with BBQ sauce. Wrap tightly again and put back in the oven for another hour. Open foil, baste again with BBQ sauce and leave foil open. Place back in oven and cook another 15-30 minutes until sauce is carmelized. Let rest and cut ribs. So anyone want to take bet on whether I will be able to eat tomorrow? The odds are against me since I haven't been able to eat much for weeks. I have probably eaten more yesterday and today than I have total in the last few weeks. Vacation time is coming up. You know what that means? Bathing suit. YUCK!! I have gotten no sun so far this summer. I am white as a ghost. My hubby and kids are super tan already because they have been going swimming. I refuse to go because it is in my neighborhood and I would die a thousand deaths if anyone I knew saw me in a bathing suit. I have anxiety just thinking about it. Hence the reason I will be going out of state to go swimming to the beach. Sad isn't it? That body image is real and I don't think it will be going anywhere anytime soon. So stats...I had lost 125 lbs but in December 2011 I had an unfill and gained 25 lbs. I have lost 18 lbs of those pounds. 7 to go and I will be back to where I was prior to the unfill. This has been a struggle both physically and mentally. Clothes wise, I was in a tight 30/32 pant and a 4x-5x top at the time of my surgery in May 2010. I am now in a size 18 pant and 1x (18-20) top (sometimes an XL). Big difference. My self esteem is much higher than it was prior to surgery. I have made great strides in that department but still have a long ways to go and I have set backs along the way. I have a new job at a company I have been at for nearly 13 years. I spent more than 10 yrs in the same job but after surgery and losing weight I had the confidence to branch out and want more. I took that chance and have not looked back. I am very happy where I am. Sure there are days I am stressed and feeling bummed but doesn't everyone at some point or another? That too shall pass. All in all I am in a good place in my career. I went from being a team leader claims examiner to a software tester. Big change and a whole new life. This crazy mixed up life. I wouldn't trade it for anything. The good, the bad and the ugly. It's all part of life. How I respond to it defines the direction my life will take.

Stuck like a truck in the muck

Geez!! There are some days I wonder why in the world I got this lap band. Yeah I know why. I get all whiny when I am struggling. Wasn't this supposed to be easy peasy? Oh yeah, I had surgery. DUH!! Yeah it is a daily fight. I fight myself and my band daily or my band fights me. I really don't know anymore. Stress is my enemy and wreaks havoc on my band. Each day is a struggle to find some solid food that does not get stuck. A food works one day but not the next. Frustrating. Now I know there are reasons why I am not doing so well in the weightloss department. I don't eat small bites and I don't chew chew chew chew...I had this down pat the 1st year but this last year has been a bear. I tell myself daily slow down, small bites and CHEW!! I really don't listen to myself very well. All I hear is blah blah blah. Kind of like the teacher on Peanuts. I quit eating eggs for breakfast. I just really can't stand them right now. Not sure why. I started eating sausage gravy. I know you are sitting there saying SERIOUSLY?? and you want us to feel your pain? Gravy? Yep it is my new vice. I actually get the Tennessee Pride sausage grave in the pouch. The entire pouch is 320 calories which is a lot but holds me until lunch. Lunch today was 1/4c of left over spaghetti I made the other day. Pasta? Yeah I know. I ate it two days ago and kept it down. Today...well it came back up. Dinner was 3 small slices of smoked sausage and a salad. My snack today at work was pork rinds. The small bag was 31.5g of protein. Which is 1/4 of my daily protein goal. Drinking my cappuccino and my vitamin waters round out my day. Ensure Muscle Health protein drinks are my go to when getting stuck. I get stuck, it comes up I grab a protein drink. It is my back up plan. I even stick them in the freezer to get a little slushy. Makes it much better. If anyone has some good band friendly high protein recipes please pass them along. I am quickly running out of options.

still hanging in

No weight lost lately. I just don't know what to do. I can't win for trying. I have noticed that the weight loss stopped when I stopped logging my food on fat secret. Hmmm...maybe? I think it is time I get back in the habit and go back in my logs to see what was working. I still can't eat much. Some days are better than others. Solid foods still present a problem. The ultimate snack right now is pork finds and Ensure muscle health protein shakes. The pork rinds are 9g protein per serving and the protein shake is 13g. I am not too tight. The problem is I am eating too fast, taking too big bites, not chewing enough. I don't know why I can't wrap my head around that fact. Two years post op and since December I have not been able to get in gear. I really have excuse not to log my food. I have the app on my phone. I can access oblige e or on my kindled fire that hubby just got me. Wish me luck.

Difficulties abound

Well I have only lost 8 lbs since my fill. Then again I guess I could enthusiastically say I LOST 8 LBS!!
Only, I feel like I should have lost more. I have been struggling lately. Stress is playing a huge roll in how bad some days are.

I have had some really difficult decisions lately. One decision I no longer have to face is my friend at work wanting me to go to lunch with her daily. Not an issue any longer. Unfortunately she was let go. It was a major shock as she was formerly my boss and we have worked together for 12 years. I have stressed over worrying about her. I have stressed because I am being tapped to replace her, more in a bit on that. I am stressed because my current job has picked up immensely.

Because of stress there are very few foods I can eat. I don't believe I am too tight I truly think it all has to do with stress. I am trying daily to eat solid foods. Right now I can't eat pork, chicken, steak and some ground beef. I can't eat meatloaf at all. I get stuck big time. What I can eat is fast food. Go figure and when you are desperate you will try anything. I can eat Skyline chili and McDonald's Angus deluxe snack wrap. I can eat grilled burgers at home as well. No bread of course but I am thinking I could make my own snack wrap. The snack wrap is a small tortilla, 1/2 burger, cheese slice, lettuce, mayo and mustard. McDonald's adds tomato and onion which I don't like. I am drinking Ensure Muscle Health. It has 13g protein in each little bottle. The chocolate and the strawberry are pretty good. My other staples are scrambled eggs, cereal, cheese and panino (mozzarella and prosciutto rolled up).

Now back to my stress. I mentioned they are tapping me to replace my friend as she trained me and I am up to date on all information / procedures related to this client. I reluctantly applied after pressure. I had an interview on Friday and came away not wanting that job at all. The manager asked me on a scaled of 1 to 10 where was I with wanting this job. I said maybe pushing an 8. I have severe reservations. When I took the job I have now last year I was beyond excited. I was grinning from ear to ear. I test software.It is what I have a knack for and what I love doing. I am working on my degree in information technology so this is where I need to be. I am wanted for the job because of my knowledge and the client knows me. I absolutely do not want it. I felt I should not proceed on with the interview process. It isn't fair to anyone if I continue on and then decline should an offer be made. So I withdrew. Hopefully this won't bite me in the butt.

Today has been a particularly bad band day.  I have tried numerous things to eat but nothing stays down. I tried meatloaf for lunch and got stuck and slimed. It came up. I waited an hour and tried again. Same outcome. I waited then tried to drink Ensure. It got stuck and came back up. I then thought maybe it is spasms again in my throat. So I fixed some really hot cappuccino. I sipped on that then all of a sudden my tongue and throat tightened up. I RAN for the bathroom and barely made it.

I waited and nibbled on crackers. I know what you are thinking after all that certainly I can't eat a cracker. Yep it went down and stayed down. I ate a slice of cheese on crackers. Kept it down. Go figure. I just don't understand it.

It is July 4th, a holiday, my off day. Happy 4th of July everyone!!