Tuesday, January 3, 2012

So much for a new beginning

It is January 3rd 2012 and I have already screwed things up. I know a lot. I know I eat things I shouldn't. I know I continue to eat when I should stop. I know I am using my un-fill as a crutch and excuse. I am a KIA. (Know It All)

I am supposed to go for my scheduled fill on Thursday of course this was before my un-fill so I am rescheduling it and yes I am going to reschedule. I need time for my stomach to heal and no this is not an excuse. That episode freaked me out and yes I am scared of a fill but I think I am more scared of what could happen and is happening without the fill.

You know what I can eat? Doughnuts. Bread. Pasta. Beef Stew Meat, Pot Roast. Not small amounts but LARGE amounts. It takes a lot for me to get full right now and believe me I have tried to find out just how much it takes to get full.

I talk a big talk about starting over and a new day. I know all of this stuff in my head. Knowing it and following it are two completely different things. Mentally I have checked out.

I am eating all these high sodium foods and barely drinking any fluids. I am swollen and sat around all weekend on my butt watching "Bones" episodes on Netflix.

Some New Year. I have no motivation, nothing to work towards. No goal.

Yeah this is me whining. Sometimes you just gotta get it out. I go through this from time to time. I feel elated then deflated. Happy then sad. Good then bad. Energized then fatigusized. That isn't even a word.
Seriously, I don't know if maybe it is related to the non stop night hot flashes that leave me soaked that I have been having for the past few days. Last night I didn't sleep a wink. One minute I am burning up sweating then I kick off the covers and freeze. Cover back up and then kick them off. Then I cover up and uncover only one leg thinking maybe just a little breeze won't cause me to freeze. All night long!! Then this morning I get ready for work, sweating the entire time. It was only 18 degrees this morning and it felt like spring to me. I get to work and turn on my desk fan because I am still sweating. Then after all of the continuous sweating all night long, it is gone and I am spending the next few hours with goosebumps and chills.

I have decided, I am in a FUNK.


FitBy40 said...

oh man, I feel for you. I know I would be doing the same thing because even with my band tight, I try to eat crap and push the limits!
Hang in there, you know what to do and you know you can do better.
You will get through this!

Perry Joyce said...

I was in a funk for the last three months of the year. I put so much emphasis on "January 1st" and by January 3rd, I was already deflated. But don't give up. The date is just a date. If you bounce back tomorrow or February 18th, you'll still bounce back. We always do, right? :)

Angie said...

Plugging along. It's all I can do. Thank you for the words of encouragement. I need them.