Sunday, July 3, 2011


Where's the fat?? Well, now what did you think I meant, LOL!! This should be my new motto when I start second guessing my decision...I could get a tshirt made. Or change the name of my blog to WTF...I may do that!!

I know that I need to keep focused on the prize ahead. Many times lately I have had moments of despair and regret. Just moments. I get stuck over and over and think to myself why did I do this? Why don't I just go and get an un-fill? I am set to go on vacation soon and wonder how I am going to do this when I am getting stuck so often. An unfill would solve it and I would enjoy my vacation. Do I want to risk that? I just don't know what to do. I know I am not eating right and getting stuck is probably causing damage in my esophagus when I have to throw it up. I haven't been back for a check up in months but I know they are going to tell me I am eating too fast, too big of bites etc. They may do an unfill a little. I have to pay cash for my visits and fills so I try to avoid going back if I don't have to. It's expensive. I certainly don't want to pay for an unfill. To me/for me that is a step backwards.

You know I actually had a melt down the other day crying saying I was happier before surgery. I know that is not true but it came out of my mouth just the same. Here 14 months later and I still have issues. I felt before like I was in a constant moving forward motion. Now I am either stuck where I am or falling behind. I don't fee like I am going forward anymore. Getting stuck is the cause of my feeling this way. If I wasn't getting stuck everything would be fine. That is my only issue.

Work is no longer my stress. My homelife is. What a switch. Maybe they both were but work was so much more and now that it isn't my homelife seems so much more stressful. Vaction will be my difficult test. We have gone from a 7 passenger Nissan Quest to a 5 passenger(tight 5) Dodge Nitro. No longer will we be able to put one kid in the back and one in the middle to keep them apart. They will now be right together the entire trip. How many times do we ride to the store and there is a fight because he stretched out and punched her arm or she moved her foot just enough to kick him? They they argue denying it. That is just on a 5 minute drive to Walmart. How will 10 hours in the car go? I will be starving because there is no way I will be able to eat.

I thought getting my new job would be fantastic but it has just brought the issues from home to the forefront. I try to ignore or play down getting stuck but it is a nightmare. Fortunately yesterday was the first day I my food stayed down despite being stuck a few times.

Today so far, I have eaten:
scrambled egg/laughing cow cheese, I know it's surprising lol
El Cherro frozen chicken enchilada meal. It has 14g protein and 8g fiber. It's wasn't too too bad. Not good like real mexican food but still had good protein for a tv dinner.
Had one bottle of Vitamin Water Zero and some cookies.
Dinner will either be meatloaf casserole or tacos.I haven't gotten stuck so far.

I have to get more protein in. I tried another protein bar and YUCKY!! It had such a bitter aftertaste. Those are high calorie too. As much as a candy bar. I don't see myself eating those anymore. Got to get another plan. We are going to the beach so I need foods for the car and also non-melting ones for the beach. I will have a cooler with me both in the car and at the beach. Any suggestions?

Our villa has a kitchen so I will be eating breakfast daily and we will fix some meals there but I know we will eat out too. That will be a nightmare. I can't remember the last time I ate a meal out that didn't get majorly stuck.

I am also a little nervous about wearing a bathing suit. I have NO idea what size I would wear. I dread going and trying them on. I also need to get some shorts. I went to Old Navy yesterday. By the way, they are having buy 2 get 1 free sale in stores(around me anyway). That includes clearance items. I bought 9 pieces of clothing for $84. I also donated a pair $2.50 flip flops to the troops and got an additional 10% off my purchase which made it $84. I did buy a chambray skirt. It comes to just above my knees. We'll see how that goes. I haven't worn a skirt of any kind in more than 15 years. I wear pants and capris but no skirts and rarely shorts and never out in public. I don't even have to try clothes on anymore. Right now I know my exact fit so I can look at clothes and know if that will fit me or not. I am around an 18-20 in bottoms, depending on the store and stretch of the pants and XL/XXL in tops. Not the plus size XXL. Just the regular. I only get the XXL in sweaters so I can layer them. The tops I get XL. A big difference considering at my biggest I was a tight 28 pants, probably really a 30/32 and I was 30/32 in tops or a 4X-5X. Amazing I do keep this in mind when I have my meltdowns. I have come a long way and I need to keep remembering that.

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