Saturday, October 2, 2010

Stressed & Depressed

Well I officially didn't get the job and I feel like a loser. Not that I am not happy for the person that did. I am just glad it wasn't the current team leader of that unit but I am bummed I didn't get it. I feel like a failure and loser because I am her team leader and she was considered the better choice over me so that makes me feel and look like I am not a very good team leader. I am fed up really. I work my tail off for the unit each and every day. I stay late until 10, 11 or sometimes midnight on the last day of the month to help get everyone's checks posted when they all leave at 6 or 8 pm.
I had to sit there all day listening to my supervisor tell EVERYONE that she was the PERFECT person for the job. HELLO...I sit right outside your cubicle. I can hear you. Apparently I was told it was because my scores were low. My scores are a compilation of making my goal, percentages and such. Hers was higher and supposedly that was the deciding factor. This is according to my supervisor and that I was 2nd choice. Well not according to the person doing the hiring. She said she sat down with my supervisor and my division manager and discussed who would be best for the job and the other one was chosen. In the meeting with the unit she told them that it was close between the current team leader and the one that got the job. I wasn't a factor. I feel like I have been lied to and held back intentionally because no one does or even knows how to do all the work I do for the unit. If I left there would be no one to do it. My supervisor all day kept saying to me how glad she was that I didn't get the job and kept asking me if I was okay with not getting the job. Well no I wasn't okay with it but that really doesn't matter does it. It was the last day of the month, I had to do everyone's stuff, ignore mine so I couldn't work on making my goal (which I didn't make, AGAIN) and stayed until 10pm. AGAIN. Is it really worth it?? I am beginning to wonder.
I haven't been losing any weight. Not gaining, but not losing. I know it is because I am eating sweets. I am just in this funk and I start crying at the drop of a hat. Especially about this job. I don't know why I am so emotional about it. I guess I wanted it more than I realized.
I think some stress is also over my oldest daughter being back in our lives. I don't trust her and am concerned about being around her after all that she has done to us but she is our daughter and we can't NOT help her. She was living in deplorable conditions and eventually was getting kicked out on the street with no job. We moved her back to the city, got her a place to live, a job and helped pay her rent, got some furniture etc. Not one thank you from her. Now my son is unemployed. We are in week 3 of him not having a job. That stresses me because he is the "good child". He still lives at home so he doesn't have the usual worries about finding a job which makes me concerned that he isn't trying as hard as he should. He spends more time at his girlfriends house than he is out looking for a job. She is 19 yrs old and has NEVER had a job and really isn't trying to find one. If she gets a job offer she turns it down because the hours are too late or her mom doesn't want her working at McDonalds. Whatever!! Again just more stress!!
I know I need to let all of that go and focus on myself. It is just so hard to do when it is your kids. Work is part of my everyday life so that is hard to let go too.

What to do. What to do.....

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