Things are just Swell...well swelling actually

My swelling, edema, is getting worse. I have dealt with this for many years but when I lost a chunk of weight the swelling was mostly gone. Even in hot humid weather I wasn't swelling up. Now for the last few months I have been swelling. I has been so bad my shoes won't fit. My pant legs are too tight because my legs are swollen. It is pitting edema. Meaning I can press down on the swollen area and there is an indention that remains. It's times like these I would have my lasix on hand and take but no my doctor took me off that saying I no longer needed it. Really? I beg to differ. Increasing my water intake doesn't help. I hardly pee, TMI, and they have checked my kidneys. No problems there. I elevate my feet. Doesn't help. I have shortness of breath with comes with the swelling. I get winded walking across the parking lot at work or walking up the steps at home.

I go to my GYN today, yep ladies, it is that fun time of year again. I get violated and smashed. All perfectly legal and my insurance pays for it. I am hoping she can help with the swelling. I have APS so swelling is not a good thing.

I have some restriction now. I don't know how long it will last though. Last night I made chicken stroganoff in the crockpot. Good stuff. Chicken was crazy tender and moist. I had maybe 3-4 small bites and was stuck. Not uncomfortable stuck just stuck. I thought at the time, wow, haven't felt that in a while. Well, the stuck feeling didn't go away. I got up and walked around. Nothing. I started burping, usually that will "break it free". Nada. It progressed and it led to the bathroom. Now in the past, it would just kind of pop out, no drama, out and done. Not so this time. This was gut wrenching, nausea and heaving like I had the stomach bug type of getting sick. I made some super hot cappuccino and sipped on that. Everything calmed down but dang I was hungry. I waited about 3 hours to try and eat something. I had this bloemer's bbq shredded beef. It was more than shredded, it was pulverized beef so I took about 1/4 to 1/2 cup of that heated it and spooned it on top of a wedge of laughing cow. I was able to eat that and keep it down. I have 5.9cc in my band which is still less than I had before that fateful fill in December. I hope I find my happy place soon.

This morning my eggs and laughing cow went down okay. No problems. We shall see what today brings.

I also got on the scale this morning. Last night when I went to bed it was the same weight it has been for that last month. That scale has not budged an inch and I had a bad swelling day yesterday. So it gets me thinking that if I can get this water off I would weigh a few pounds less. Duh. Well this morning for the first time I was down a few pounds. Lately what I weighed when I went to bed I weighed the same if not a pound or two more in the morning. This is not helping the mental game my head is playing wth me. And yes I weigh myself twice a day. Once in the morning and once before bed. Why? The swelling. It became a habit. I swelled so much that on the lasix I would get up so much at night that in the morning I would be down 10 lbs of water weight. Yes I gained 10 lbs a day in swelling. I would take the lasix at night because it worked best at night but the drawback I was up and down all night. When I lost a chunk of weight it was hardly a problem. Now I have gained after my unfill in December and am up about 21 lbs right now and the swelling is back. It is an old friend that I have not missed and frankly cankles do not look good with capri pants and with the 80 degree weather I don't want to wear long pants to hide my swelling.

Got my fill...

Not much to say about that. I only got .5cc. Disappointing. I can't eat 2 hrs before a fill. I ate at noon. I had leftover rosemary ranch chicken kabob and baked beans. All protein.  By 2:30 at my appointment, my stomach was rumbling. This is the way it is daily. I am hungry after only a few hours. I don't see how .5cc is going to do anything about that. I am bummed. I now have 5.9cc in my band.

I guess the silver lining was, if you can call it that, I didn't gain anything. I didn't lose either. Again bummed about not losing. UGH!!!

Well nothing to do but keep going on I guess.  I would hope at some point I would get some decent restriction or any restriction at all would be nice. To top it off she said to come back in 6 weeks. Are you kidding me?? She said to only come back sooner IF I am in the red zone. Really? I don't think so. If I am still not losing and still hungry after 3 1/2 weeks, I will be making an appointment for the 4th week.

restriction, oh where did you go??

It's gone. No more restriction, not that I had much to begin with. I have an appointment tomorrow to get another fill, IF they give me one. I am seeing the same person who isn't very good at finding my port. I finally found someone that could fill my band in a minute and found out she is no longer with the doctor's office.

I hope and hope I get a fill but if I do I know it will be a small one. This person won't give a large fill.

Here's the stats since my last fill...NOTHING. I didn't not lose a pound. I actually think I gained. I have to admit, this REALLY SUCKS!!! But it is part of the journey, at least my journey for now.

The truth is I am bummed. I can't and won't deny it. I have tried keeping track of my intake and that doesn't seem to make a difference. I am eating three meals and smaller portions. Still I am swollen daily. No loss. I even weigh more in the morning than I did when I went to bed the night before. I just don't get it. Something is causing it. I don't drink a lot, certainly not as much as I should. Could that be it? I don't think so because I am not drinking any less than I did when I was losing weight. I keep my sodium intake low. It is frustrating to say the least.

I bring my lunch daily now. I have my snacks. I don't know what else to do. Why did I lose weight consistently for over a year and a half to suddenly I can't lose a single pound even though I have 5.4cc in my band?

A total mystery to me.

Nothing has changed

Well it has been a few weeks since my fill and nothing has changed on the scale. I haven't lost a pound. I have some restriction. I have been keeping a journal of my eating and keeping track of calories fat and protein so I can have a visual. No budge on the scale. I just don't get it. Can it get any more depressing??

I didn't have any trouble up until December. Now nothing is going right for me. I feel like a failure and I am in this depressing slump. I have had emails from people telling me to quit being so pathetic. Really? This is my blog and I keep it real. Period!! I am not going to sugar coat it and pretend things are great if they aren't.

And things are not great right now. I don't regret my surgery at all. I know this is a bump in the road that I will have to get through somehow. The somehow is the hard part. I just don't know what to do.

I know one thing for certain, my boycott of eating out didn't last long. I rode along with my friend and brought my lunch but my restriction isn't much so I started eating out again even though I had my lunch with me. I just can't wrap my mind back where I need to be.

My desk was moved at work. I am now at the other end of the building from my friend so I won't be visiting her much. I am hoping this will give me the nudge I need to stay clear of it. Maybe if I don't ride with her at all except maybe once a week and eat out that day with her, that will work. This is all that I can think of that is causing me to not lose any weight. I haven't lost a pound. I am hovering at the same weight which is good in some respects and is better than gaining but depressing none the less. I keep a daily journal of my food intake, protein and such. So this has to be it. I feel swollen all the time. I guess I need to look at the sodium intake as well as fluid intake. I hardly drink at all. I probably only get about 40 oz of fluid a day if that. When I first had surgery, I was so strong. I brought my food daily, never ate out. Now I don't have that same resolve. Is it because I left my position I had held for many years to something new? Is it because there is no one where I am at now, that knows I had surgery so no one can hold me accountable? Everyone around me knew at my last position. I feel like I can't fix something if I don't know what is causing it.

I went to Trader Joe's. There are some interesting items there. Different things. I love the hard boiled eggs. So convenient. I eat them as is, make deviled eggs one at a time, slice on a salad or make egg salad. They don't have that sulphur smell so great to take to work. I also got turkey meatloaf muffins. Small portions topped with spinach and mashed potatoes. The turkey muffins have 13g protein. I haven't tried them yet but will let you know. You just pop them in the microwave. I also bought spicy Thai chicken pasta salad. 1/2 of the container is 14g of protein. Again haven't tried it yet but will report later.

I just wish I had the support I need here in town. I have done this alone for so long that now that I need help and support I can't find it.

So far so good

My restriction is holding up. I am trying to make more of an effort to pre-plan although I didn't today. I had a lot of errands to run and forgot to eat and/or bring a snack. I was starving by the time I got to the grocery. Stomach grumbling and hurting. I had to grab a hardboiled egg from the deli. Not again...better planning. Got my errands done though.

I made "Fresh Takes" tonight. Using chicken tenders. Had some salad with shredded lettuce. Good eats!!! I highly recommend the fresh takes. The chicken had a crispy coating. Goodness....

Pre-planning...so important. I starting looking back through my previous posts. I realize how important it is to success. I have pre-planned my weeks dinners and lunches. Let's hope I can stick with it.

I went shopping today to get new shirts and a pair of pants. I gained a bit so most of my stuff is too tight. Had to buy a few things. Hope to be to the point where I get rid of them because they are too big.

Do you hear me smiling??

It has been a few days since my fill on Monday. My first fill since my unfill back in December. Too loose? Nope. Too tight? Nope. Just right? You know it! 

I feel restriction. I feel my fullness meter has been activated. It is such a good feeling. I am eating way less than this time last week. I feel full and stop. No issues. No problems, knock on wood.

It's amazing how much I have missed that. My whole attitude as changed since Monday. I know I am dependant on the band. It's like my personal crack. Without it I go into withdrawal. I get depressed, a hopeless feeling. I feel like I can't make it through the day without it. Yeah dramatic I know but true. Since getting my fill Monday, and feeling the restriction, my whole mood has lightened up. I am happier. I felt drawn into a depression. It was all mental. It is an addiction. Is that a good thing? I'm a little concerned about that. It shouldn't be that way. Am I so scared of gaining weight that I sabotage my success by freaking out when I get an unfill? Or has my success for a year and a half with no problems caused me to be too comfortable and not realize there are real complications and problems until I had one? By then I was unprepared?

I started writing down what I eat, calories, fat and protein content. I am trying to stay within a certain caloric intake to keep things in check, nothing extreme right now just 2000 calories. I am taking it slow and will continue to adjust that. I am focusing on protein content mainly. It seems to be working. I am also planning my meals. Taking my portions and snacks to work. I want to make sure I don't get stuck again.

Snacks this week are: yogurt, Belvita, trail mix, and apple slices.

Here is something I noticed. Not only am I feeling full but I am feeling hungry. See when I had the unfill, I never felt full but I also never had hunger pains. I just ate to be eating. Now since the fill, I feel fullness and I also get hunger pains. I hadn't realized I had not felt those in a long time until this week. I had forgotten how painful those pains can get. Yikes!

Mood: VERY HAPPY

Gots Me A Fill

Oh Yeah, I am one happy girl. I went in dreading the appointment because I knew I gained. I gained 6.5 lbs in a month. No shocker there. I then dreaded the person who gives me the fill because she never can find the port opening and digs around AND she said she would only consider giving me 2cc IF I lost 8-10 lbs. Well, it seems to me if I had lost 8-10 lbs I probably wouldn't have needed a fill or that much.
I was pleasantly surprised when another techinician was there. She read through my file and disagreed with Maria. She said my weight gain is obvious that I need a fill. She put in 3cc. YIPPEE!!! I am now up to 5.4cc. Still below the 6.4cc I had right before that fateful fill that put me at 7.4cc and over the edge.

Since the fill this afternoon I have had a yogurt, because Debbie wanted me to make sure I could swallow it before 5pm when she gets off work in care there were any problems, she didn't want to wait. I then had a small container of white chili minus the chicken. I had spooned out portions without chicken because I have to eat mushies for 24 hrs. No meat, bread or pasta. I can't say I feel restriction yet but I definitely feel something. I remember that for me it kind of kicks in after a few days so we shall see. I can say I feel a slight fullness.

I will tell you without the band I have no feeling of fullness. None whatsoever. I can eat and eat and eat and never say "I am stuffed". It is scary to do that. The band is my fullness meter. I love my band. I can see without my band how dependant I really am on it. I must have it for portion control. It is a tool that I value.

Ok, so I took a big step today and told my friend that I will be bringing my lunch for a while because I need to be careful since I got this large fill. I told her I would still ride with her to get her lunch.(Thanks everyone for suggestions) She was okay with it and understood. Score!!

I am so excited. I am not upset about gaining 6.5 lbs. I am a little shocked but not surprised really. I knew I had gained since my pants were tight and my belly was sticking out. Actually I first realized my butt was getting bigger. That's okay. I have some of my "security blanket" back and ready to get it on.

So what is on my work lunch menus this week?  I am taking it easy today of course. Tomorrow probably a small container of white chili again. Good eats and protein packed with the beans. Can't forget the Beano. Gas is not my friend. Depending how it goes I may try a tamale on later in the week. I get these frozen ones in the husk at Trader Joe's. Good stuff. Taco salad is an option when I can tolerate meat. Taco meat on shredded lettuce. Very shredded lettuce. Dinner this week will be a toss up. Pork roast, chicken and meatloaf. I have stuff for me just in case this fill keeps my food choices limited. I also have yogurt and cottage cheese/green beans. Yes I like cottage cheese and green beans together. Don't judge. LOL.

Wish me luck everyone!!

Looking forward to Monday

I get my next fill Monday. I am hoping it is a good fill. I just want some restriction. I need to feel that stopper.
I have a confession. I have been eating off the cuff anything and everything I want. No thoughts about it. No stopping. Today I took a look at the nutritional content of this new restaurant that my hubby and I have been to 3 times in the past two weeks. It is a burger place called Smashburger. Now I have gotten milkshakes each time and I KNOW that was bad. No surprise there yet I was still floored.
Burger, smash fries(fries tossed in rosemary, olive oil and garlic) and a milkshake...more than 2200 calories! The milkshake alone was 810 calories. I could kick myself!!

Today I tried HARD to make more conscious choices. I took a snack with me. Pepperoni bites. Very simple and tasty. You take pepperoni slices and spread a little reduced fat garden vegetable cream cheese and top with another pepperoni slice. Each one is about 1g of protein. I had eggs for breakfast. Lunch was a chicken sandwich and side salad (lettuce was cut up real small). Dinner, I cooked a pork loin (pork loin, 1 cup sliced onions, sliced apples, Mrs Dash, pepper, garlic, ground mustard) in the crockpot for 10 hours and then shredded it and added bbq sauce. Paired it with some green beans.  I had Belvita for a little crunch and sweet snack. I did much better today than the past few days. I still have a long ways to go. With no restriction I never feel full.

So with that said, I am hoping for a good fill on Monday.

So I have been trying to remind myself what benefits I have had with the weight I have lost. Yeah I have gained some back but nothing compared to what I have lost.
I know that my health is much better. Diabetes under control. High blood pressure is too. My job is the biggest change. For the first time in 12 years I am doing something completely out of my element. For 11 1/2 years I did the same job day in and day out, medical claims examiner. 8 months ago I switched jobs to be a software tester. I do not have any formal training, no college degree. I would have not stepped out into a new area if it wasn't for the weight loss. My confidence is higher than even I see. I dove into this new job again with no training, it was basically here you go now test software. I got my 1st review yesterday and apparently I rock. HAHA. Seriously, my manager had nothing but great things to say about me. He gushed and gushed about me. We have a review system that first we review ourselves and then my manager is asked the same questions about me. The system compares our scores. We were only .3 apart. So what people see is exactly what they get. I strive to make sure I don't pretend to be something I am not. I straightforward and it definitely shows. Sometimes people think they are all that but project someone less competent. One of the questions was about being stressed in the workplace. My  manager said that he has never once seem me upset, stressed or frazzled. I told him that he never will. I explained that if people/clients see me frazzled and stressed then they won't have confidence in me that I can get the job done. Projecting confidence then following up and getting the job done earns respect and confidence in my abilities. He said I was absolutely right. I said that is why no one ever bothers me trying to see when or if I will get the job done unlike the others in my group who are bugged constantly. He said he has the utmost confidence in me and I am a valued member of the team. He looks to me for leadership and guidance and he feels I keep everyone grounded. I felt great after that. Of course he is British so it sounded even better with his accent.

I will post again after my fill...wish me luck!!

A game of chance

The struggle continues. No restriction, no will power. It is a battle within daily. I really regret getting the unfill to some extent. I know it was dangerous for me to be stuck like that but I would almost take that over being able to eat everything.

I did have a sliming episode this week. I have determined that lettuce leaves are my enemy. I think when I had the band slippage that caused my unfill, it was due to lettuce. I had a salad around the time it started. I also think it was lettuce because I have't had it since until this week. I had a club with leaf lettuce on it and after half of a half of the sandwich I was stuck and no matter what I tried it ended up coming up. Usually when I eat a sandwich at home I use shredded lettuce so I am pretty sure the lettuce leaf was the cause. It also made me miss my restriction no matter how severe it was. I feel all my hard work is slipping away. I keep thinking about what my surgeon's office said about the next fill that she would put in maybe 2cc IF I lose 8-10 lbs. That won't be happening. Gain maybe but not lose. 

I go on the 20th so hopefully she will give me the fill. I want so badly to get back to where I was so I continue my success.

I look in the mirror and I see myself as heavy as I was 100 lbs ago. I recently had my picture taken at work for an award and when I saw the picture I cried because I was so large in comparison to a picture I had a few months ago. I feel that I look big again. I was just starting to see myself smaller and now I see myself getting bigger.

I think a part of that is due to eating out every day. On the weekends my weight usually goes back down because it is homecooking. During the week is all fast food and the weight goes up. I think due in part to sodium. I can't eat salads for obvious reasons so I don't make good choices.

I don't blame anyone but myself. I am indulging in a pity party of one.

February...love and chocolate

Who doesn't love chocolate? Who doesn't love February when you have a legit excuse to indulge in chocolate and an extra day to boot?

I am okay around chocolate unless it is caramel filled chocolates then I am a goner. I don't think my husband knows that about me so I should be safe this Valentine's Day. We probably won't be celebrating because we both have to work, even the weekend before we work. That's okay though. Eating out just isn't my cup of tea anymore and right now I can eat everything. I don't enjoy eating. I am not happy that I can eat whatever. I miss my band restriction. It will be a slow process, like beginning all over again.

I have conciously cut back on my bread intake. My gaining weight seems to have stalled but so is my weight loss. I guess I can't complain as long as I am not gaining right now. I have been drinking Ensure Muscle. It has 13g protein.  I have lost a lot of muscle with this weight loss. It is because I don't exercise. Losing 125 lbs without exercise has its consequences and I am paying the price.

I have no willpower. Let me say it again. I HAVE NO WILLPOWER!!! I can't say no to food but I can say no to exercise. I have no motivation. I think because I have seen I can lose weight without exercise my mind has decided that I don't need it. Hence, the hanging skin, no muscle tone, heck no muscle at all and certainly no strength. I have the equipment in my house but I won't walk the 30 steps down the hall to my dedicated exercise room to use the stuff. Sad isn't it.

This has been a depressing experience. We are going through some hard times at work and that makes it difficult to not snack and eat bad. Food has always been my crutch to lean on in bad times and with no fill then there is no reason not to eat. It is getting harder and harder. There is so much uncertainty at work about what will be happening to our positions that I just kind of give up and give in at times. No excuses, it is the plain truth. I need a band buddy here in my town. Someone to hang with who understands and can help motivate me. Someone who is going through what I am going through. No such luck finding one.