2 YEAR BANDIVERSARY

This time two years ago, I was sitting on the couch recovery from lap band surgery. In reflection, I am no where near where I wanted to be at this time. I thought at two years I would be at my ideal weight. I started off strong and then fizzled out. The forward momentum I had went by the wayside in December when I got the unfill and I have never regained my success since.

Do I regret surgery? Um...let's see, I am 100 lbs lighter so the answer is emphatically NO!!! I have kept off 100 lbs for more than a year. I lost that weight in about a year or less, a year ago. I really thought I would be down about 180 lbs now. So I have at least another 80 lbs to lose. It is heartbreaking to see I haven't lost any weight. I weight the same I did a year ago. The 25 or so lbs I lost between last year this time and December I have gained back. I have been sitting back at 100lb weight loss since December. So I have held that weight for 5 months with no gain back beyond that 25 lbs. Interesting. Silver lining maybe?

Today is my NEW YEAR. Time to make resolutions. Resolve to kick start my system. I will not accept that I have lost all the weight I am going to lose. I want to get to ideal weight so I can have surgery to remove this excess skin on my abdomen and arms. I would be so much more happy if I didn't have this huge stomach apron and very heavy hanging skin on my arms. What should my new resolution be? Get more active? At this point that is probably the best I can promise. I hate exercise to the point I will find any reason not to do it or a reason to give up after I have started. I know that I am not getting enough food or the right amounts of food. I need to get that situated out.

My eating for the past two weeks has been weird. I find that I am not hungry in the mornings at breakfast. So, I will have a smoothie or a cappuccino. Sometime between getting up at 5am and noon for lunch I will have a banana and some popcorn. Lunch I eat about 3/4 of whatever I have. I then eat some more popcorn (individual pre-popped bags) between lunch and going home at 5pm. I fix dinner between 5:30 and 6. I eat for about 5 minutes then BAM!! Stuck tight. So tight it has not choice but to come up due to the sliming. So for two weeks I have not been able to eat dinner foods. I can't  understand it. I end up eating a bowl of cereal. That I can eat but cannot eat any solid proteins at dinner only.

Oddly enough yesterday and today was a different story. Yesterday no breakfast but ate most of my burger, no bun, with avocado for lunch. Dinner we ate at a restaurant on our way out of town. No problems eating. Breakfast today was a bacon, sausage, cheese, spinach omelet at the hotel. I ate 3/4 of this HUGE omelet. Had some hot chocolate and apple juice a little later. Did lots of activities then ate lunch at Mitchell's Fish Market. I had fish and chips. The fried fish was a very light cornmeal batter that melted in your mouth. The cod was flaky. Nothing greasy. We had 3 small pieces of fish on our platters. I ate 2 1/2 pieces of fish ad would have eaten it all but I was full so full that I could feel the food at the top back of my throat.  No problems.More activities and walking.  Dinner was another restaurant where I had two chicken wings and loaded potato soup. Again no problems. As you can guess we were out of town. So after not being able to eat dinners and not eating breakfast for about 2 weeks, suddenly food was not an issue today. We went without the kids so maybe that is the reason.No stress. Dinner may be too stressful for me to eat. I eat lunch at work and no problems.

Well, time to re-evaluate where I am and where I want to be.

Nearly a Month

Wow, it has been nearly a month since I last wrote. What words could describe the last month?
Frustrated, depressed, inadequate, lonely...the list could go on. I think the biggest word would be failure.

Yes I feel like a failure. At some things, not everything. My weight has been at a standstill. My set back in December has really set me back big time. I weight exactly what I did a year ago. I lost additional weight by December then gained it back but am sitting at the same weight. No more gaining but not losing either. It is depressing. I don't want a fill because I can't eat much. Here is my typical day;

Breakfast: eggs w/laughing cow or a bowl of cereal
Lunch: 3/4 of a burger, no bun or 3/4 chicken nachos, no chips
Dinner: a small grilled pork chop or 1/2 chicken breast and 1/4 c green beans
Snacks: 1/4c trail mix, wheat thin chips or individual bag of popcorn

I only drink Vitamin Water Zero. So my thoughts are that maybe I am not getting enough calories. I know a person needs a certain amount of calories just for your body to function. I just don't know anymore.

I have still lost 100 lbs total after the weight gain in December. That is still  a huge accomplishment but I want more. I want to lose more.

What to do?
Exercise? I don't know. I have a big problem with hip pain. My hip locks up / catches in the middle of the night. It is extremely painful. It isn't because I am laying on the hip either. If I am laying on my left side then my right hip will lock up. It makes no sense. I did some research on the Internet and I may have a labral tear in my hip. I need to find time to get to the doctor and get this checked out. It is prohibiting me from getting around. I find myself sitting around a lot now rather than getting up and moving around. That concerns me.

More of a concern to me is my daughter. She is 8 years old and weighs 93 lbs. Her weight keeps going up and up. Poor thing. She eats way too much and when we cut her off, she gets very hostile. She will scream at us that she is hungry. I am concerned for her. I am getting her brother to help in the efforts. My 13 yr old son is a twig. Unlike the rest of us he can eat whatever he wants as much as he wants and he stays thin. He is 5'9" and weighs 140.5 lbs. He likes to tease her about her weight. I have put a stop to that explaining what he does to her when he does that. There is a competition between them. Whenever there is food, there is an argument on how much they get and who gets to eat the rest of it. For example, pizza. We order pizza. It comes and they immediately start arguing over how many slices they get and actually will take the slices and stack them on a plate so the other one can't get them. She will eat them all. He on the other hand stops eating after one or two slices. If there is a bag of chips. They will ask if they can have the rest and it might be a full bag. I say no then they get mad and refuse to eat any. Okay no skin off back. Don't eat it. I have stopped buying chips, even though my husband wants them. He also wants ice cream sandwiches which my daughter loves and will eat because her Dad allows it. I refuse to buy them. If they want sweets, I buy fruit Popsicle only.

We need help. Desperately. I need help to lose more weight. It is getting hard for me to get around again.

Been gone awhile

It's been quite awhile since my last post. Where do I begin? Actually not much to tell.
My restriction is still going strong. Sometimes too strong. I have to choose my food carefully. At times food I eat one day I can't the next. No rhyme no reason. So I basically keep trying food until I get something I can eat / keep down. There is no middle ground. The food either goes down or comes up.I really haven't had any true weight loss. Still puzzled but no weight gain so I will take what I can. I definitely do not need a fill.

I have been coming home for lunch most days. I like that best. I like the quiet. I can stay at home for about 45 minutes relaxing until I have to be back. It is helpful when my lunch doesn't go down. I can try to find something else to eat. If I was at work then I would be out of luck. If only my friends cooperated with my choice to come home for lunch.

I have been swelling. BIG TIME. Of course my doctor doesn't agree. I was able to get some lasix from another doctor and guess what? I took one pill at 1pm and by the next morning I was down 6.5 lbs. Not swelling huh? All in all, after a few days and two pills I am down 10 lbs. I can breathe easier. I don't get winded anymore. I can go up and down the steps with no problem. Don't try and tell me I wasn't swollen.
I know better and now I can prove it.

I think maybe my food issues is due to stress. I am really stressed right now. While I still love my new job, my boss has been less than spectacular. I think he is discriminating against me. Not is a really bad way. It has to do with time off. Everytime I ask for more than a day off at a time, I don't get an approval. I get "let's discuss". Everyone else in the group gets theirs approved immediately no questions asked. Like this coming week. It is spring break and I lost my sitter for the week. I asked to take off. I knew one person was off at the end of the week but he lets more than one person off all the time. He said "let's discuss". I knew what was coming because he said the same thing to me at Christmas and I had to find a week where no one had one single day off. Well I was pissed so I didn't go see him. It would not have been wise. He instead comes to me and was very jovial. He said I could not take a single day off. I could not be spared. I told him I don't have a sitter after noon each day and no one on Wednesday. He said I have to come in until noon then go home and work remote from home for the rest of my shift each day. He said more than one person could not be off. I pointed out that the week of Derby two people are off at the same time. He said yes they are. I wanted to know how that was fair. He would not respond. He said next time I should ask before someone else. I told him how was I supposed to know another person was off when she didn't log it like she is supposed to. He just laughed. Again I was pissed. I then find out that he let this same person take off Monday when he told me I couldn't. I want to know what he has against me. I find out that he let everyone off early yesterday except me. I was working and thought it was really quiet on the other side of the wall. Yes my team is all on the same side but I was placed on the other side away from everyone. Anyway, it was quiet and about 4:30 so I went over to see what was up and no one was there. Everyone was gone even my boss. I stayed till 5pm because that is my schedule. I am so mad I see red!! I just don't get it. He gave me rave reviews at my performance review.  There may be an opening back in my old position coming soon and I may consider taking it. At least there I knew where I stood.

Easter Sunday is tomorrow. I wish everyone a blessed day.

Baffled???

Good News...My restriction is holding strong. Bad News...No weight lost. I don't understand it. I am keeping close track of all intake. I have tried mixing it up. No overeating. No bingeing. No snacking needlessly. I just don't get it.

I am still swollen. My legs, ankles and feet. This could be why the scale is not budging. I just don't know. I started using myfitnesspal.com again. There is an app for my phone. I haven't used it about a year and a half. I keep track of everything I eat. So far I am staying just under 1280 calories. My surgeon said I should be eating between 1200 and 1800 calories a day and 80-120g of protein per day. I am eating about 1/2 a serving. Like a hamburger patty. I can eat half of a small one. On a good day I might get 3/4 of it down. Crazy. But I am not complaining because I have restriction. Something will eventually click.

Well, NSV is I bought a skirt. Yep. I know nothing major right? Well, I haven't worn a skirt/dress in about 15 years. Yes I said 15 years. I saw this cute skirt at Old Navy and bought it. Now, will I wear it? I think so if I can get this swelling down. I don't want to be showing my legs/ankles/feet that are puffy.

Ok, the results of my doctor visit. I had a reason to be concerned. I didn't hear anything until Monday when I had a message to call and make a follow up appointment as soon as possible.I called and they scheduled it for the next morning at 8:45am. They didn't know why I was asked to make the appointment.  I nearly threw up and didn't sleep Monday night. I went and she walks in and started immediately. She found 4 things on the ultrasound. The cyst, no worry as it is fluid filled not solid. A fibroid tumor. No shocker there and it is small. The next is adenomyosis. It is like the reversal of endometriosis. I won't go into details but it's not good and not much I can do about it except a hysterectomy. The last is what concerns her. I have two polyps in my uterus. She said 2% are cancerous on pre-menopausal women. Choices? Wait and re-test, remove the polyps and test them but if they are cancerous then the 3rd option is full hysterectomy would take care of all four. She feels comfortable waiting 8 weeks and doing another ultrasound and if nothing changes then again every 6 months. If it changes then we will look at surgery. I chose the waiting. Simply because I have a blood disorder which makes surgery risky, more so than usual. Mammogram came back normal, as in no changes from last year which was not a good scan. Still waiting on the last test. Hoping for good news.

Tomorrow is another day. Bring it...

Fat Cometh, Restriction Taketh Away

As I last reported, I got a tiny fill last Monday. On Wednesday, it seems my restriction finally kicked in. At this point and time, I can only eat about 1/4c - 3/4c depending on how solid the protein is. Right now I am down 5 lbs. I am stoked but cautiously. I know the restriction could leave at any moment. I am enjoying it while I can.

Now, I have had a stressful week. Thursday I went to the doctor for my annual exam & mammogram. Yes Ladies, get that checked out each year. You never know. Last year I had my 1st mammogram since I was now 40. They found many cysts. Everything checked out okay after several more mammograms and an ultrasound. I could not feel the lumps at all. Two weeks later, I suddenly had a LARGE lump on my breast that I could feel and see it bulging and it was painful. I had it drained and fortunately it was benign. Scary stuff. Well this year I don't have my mammogram results yet. My doctor ordered an ultrasound of my ovaries because of problems I have been having. The ultrasound showed a cyst on one of my ovaries. The tech said I would hear from the doctor after she has had a chance to look at it. I haven't heard anything yet. A little nervous even though these are almost always benign. The waiting is the hard part.

So to end the week, restriction and waiting. After last year I am more than stressed about the waiting part.

Losing followers....so sad

I just realized that my follower count is going down. That is disheartening that I am losing "friends" not surprised though but still bummed about it.

Things are just Swell...well swelling actually

My swelling, edema, is getting worse. I have dealt with this for many years but when I lost a chunk of weight the swelling was mostly gone. Even in hot humid weather I wasn't swelling up. Now for the last few months I have been swelling. I has been so bad my shoes won't fit. My pant legs are too tight because my legs are swollen. It is pitting edema. Meaning I can press down on the swollen area and there is an indention that remains. It's times like these I would have my lasix on hand and take but no my doctor took me off that saying I no longer needed it. Really? I beg to differ. Increasing my water intake doesn't help. I hardly pee, TMI, and they have checked my kidneys. No problems there. I elevate my feet. Doesn't help. I have shortness of breath with comes with the swelling. I get winded walking across the parking lot at work or walking up the steps at home.

I go to my GYN today, yep ladies, it is that fun time of year again. I get violated and smashed. All perfectly legal and my insurance pays for it. I am hoping she can help with the swelling. I have APS so swelling is not a good thing.

I have some restriction now. I don't know how long it will last though. Last night I made chicken stroganoff in the crockpot. Good stuff. Chicken was crazy tender and moist. I had maybe 3-4 small bites and was stuck. Not uncomfortable stuck just stuck. I thought at the time, wow, haven't felt that in a while. Well, the stuck feeling didn't go away. I got up and walked around. Nothing. I started burping, usually that will "break it free". Nada. It progressed and it led to the bathroom. Now in the past, it would just kind of pop out, no drama, out and done. Not so this time. This was gut wrenching, nausea and heaving like I had the stomach bug type of getting sick. I made some super hot cappuccino and sipped on that. Everything calmed down but dang I was hungry. I waited about 3 hours to try and eat something. I had this bloemer's bbq shredded beef. It was more than shredded, it was pulverized beef so I took about 1/4 to 1/2 cup of that heated it and spooned it on top of a wedge of laughing cow. I was able to eat that and keep it down. I have 5.9cc in my band which is still less than I had before that fateful fill in December. I hope I find my happy place soon.

This morning my eggs and laughing cow went down okay. No problems. We shall see what today brings.

I also got on the scale this morning. Last night when I went to bed it was the same weight it has been for that last month. That scale has not budged an inch and I had a bad swelling day yesterday. So it gets me thinking that if I can get this water off I would weigh a few pounds less. Duh. Well this morning for the first time I was down a few pounds. Lately what I weighed when I went to bed I weighed the same if not a pound or two more in the morning. This is not helping the mental game my head is playing wth me. And yes I weigh myself twice a day. Once in the morning and once before bed. Why? The swelling. It became a habit. I swelled so much that on the lasix I would get up so much at night that in the morning I would be down 10 lbs of water weight. Yes I gained 10 lbs a day in swelling. I would take the lasix at night because it worked best at night but the drawback I was up and down all night. When I lost a chunk of weight it was hardly a problem. Now I have gained after my unfill in December and am up about 21 lbs right now and the swelling is back. It is an old friend that I have not missed and frankly cankles do not look good with capri pants and with the 80 degree weather I don't want to wear long pants to hide my swelling.

Got my fill...

Not much to say about that. I only got .5cc. Disappointing. I can't eat 2 hrs before a fill. I ate at noon. I had leftover rosemary ranch chicken kabob and baked beans. All protein.  By 2:30 at my appointment, my stomach was rumbling. This is the way it is daily. I am hungry after only a few hours. I don't see how .5cc is going to do anything about that. I am bummed. I now have 5.9cc in my band.

I guess the silver lining was, if you can call it that, I didn't gain anything. I didn't lose either. Again bummed about not losing. UGH!!!

Well nothing to do but keep going on I guess.  I would hope at some point I would get some decent restriction or any restriction at all would be nice. To top it off she said to come back in 6 weeks. Are you kidding me?? She said to only come back sooner IF I am in the red zone. Really? I don't think so. If I am still not losing and still hungry after 3 1/2 weeks, I will be making an appointment for the 4th week.

restriction, oh where did you go??

It's gone. No more restriction, not that I had much to begin with. I have an appointment tomorrow to get another fill, IF they give me one. I am seeing the same person who isn't very good at finding my port. I finally found someone that could fill my band in a minute and found out she is no longer with the doctor's office.

I hope and hope I get a fill but if I do I know it will be a small one. This person won't give a large fill.

Here's the stats since my last fill...NOTHING. I didn't not lose a pound. I actually think I gained. I have to admit, this REALLY SUCKS!!! But it is part of the journey, at least my journey for now.

The truth is I am bummed. I can't and won't deny it. I have tried keeping track of my intake and that doesn't seem to make a difference. I am eating three meals and smaller portions. Still I am swollen daily. No loss. I even weigh more in the morning than I did when I went to bed the night before. I just don't get it. Something is causing it. I don't drink a lot, certainly not as much as I should. Could that be it? I don't think so because I am not drinking any less than I did when I was losing weight. I keep my sodium intake low. It is frustrating to say the least.

I bring my lunch daily now. I have my snacks. I don't know what else to do. Why did I lose weight consistently for over a year and a half to suddenly I can't lose a single pound even though I have 5.4cc in my band?

A total mystery to me.

Nothing has changed

Well it has been a few weeks since my fill and nothing has changed on the scale. I haven't lost a pound. I have some restriction. I have been keeping a journal of my eating and keeping track of calories fat and protein so I can have a visual. No budge on the scale. I just don't get it. Can it get any more depressing??

I didn't have any trouble up until December. Now nothing is going right for me. I feel like a failure and I am in this depressing slump. I have had emails from people telling me to quit being so pathetic. Really? This is my blog and I keep it real. Period!! I am not going to sugar coat it and pretend things are great if they aren't.

And things are not great right now. I don't regret my surgery at all. I know this is a bump in the road that I will have to get through somehow. The somehow is the hard part. I just don't know what to do.

I know one thing for certain, my boycott of eating out didn't last long. I rode along with my friend and brought my lunch but my restriction isn't much so I started eating out again even though I had my lunch with me. I just can't wrap my mind back where I need to be.

My desk was moved at work. I am now at the other end of the building from my friend so I won't be visiting her much. I am hoping this will give me the nudge I need to stay clear of it. Maybe if I don't ride with her at all except maybe once a week and eat out that day with her, that will work. This is all that I can think of that is causing me to not lose any weight. I haven't lost a pound. I am hovering at the same weight which is good in some respects and is better than gaining but depressing none the less. I keep a daily journal of my food intake, protein and such. So this has to be it. I feel swollen all the time. I guess I need to look at the sodium intake as well as fluid intake. I hardly drink at all. I probably only get about 40 oz of fluid a day if that. When I first had surgery, I was so strong. I brought my food daily, never ate out. Now I don't have that same resolve. Is it because I left my position I had held for many years to something new? Is it because there is no one where I am at now, that knows I had surgery so no one can hold me accountable? Everyone around me knew at my last position. I feel like I can't fix something if I don't know what is causing it.

I went to Trader Joe's. There are some interesting items there. Different things. I love the hard boiled eggs. So convenient. I eat them as is, make deviled eggs one at a time, slice on a salad or make egg salad. They don't have that sulphur smell so great to take to work. I also got turkey meatloaf muffins. Small portions topped with spinach and mashed potatoes. The turkey muffins have 13g protein. I haven't tried them yet but will let you know. You just pop them in the microwave. I also bought spicy Thai chicken pasta salad. 1/2 of the container is 14g of protein. Again haven't tried it yet but will report later.

I just wish I had the support I need here in town. I have done this alone for so long that now that I need help and support I can't find it.