It's official!!!! I am buying clothes off the rack!!!

I broke down and went shopping today. I bought 4 shirts, 2 pairs of dress pants, one pair of jeans. I am still in plus sizes but a smaller plus size and no longer required to go to the BIG girl's store. SWEET!! It was a good feeling and it was a heck of a lot cheaper. I spent $125 and that also included a pair of shoes for me and a pair of AVIA shoes for my son who is in adult men's shoes already. So technically I spent $100 on myself including my shoes. Now, usually, I would spend $125 at Lane Bryant on two pairs of pants and a shirt. So I did really well today.  I was a little apprehensive but all in all a good day. I actually may look forward to shopping for clothes again.

I have learned that PORK is not my friend. As in pork chops, ribs, etc. I went to Shane's Rib shack for lunch and got some ribs. They are fall off the bone tender. I ate one rib (they are small), no problem. Took one bite of the 2nd one and instantly became stuck tight. I ended up going to the bathroom to dislodge it and then was tight the rest of the day. I am convinced it is pork. So my NO NO list grows...
No:
Pork
Pot Roast
Bread (other than Jimmy Johns)
Steak
Tortillas

I remembered to take my biotin today. My nails are growing long and hard. I sure hope this hair loss slows down soon and I hope the biotin helps my hair growth.

I go back to the doctor for a follow up on Nov 4th. I don't see myself getting a fill this next time. I think I am in a good spot right now. I am not hungry between meals. I am still eating small amounts(as in salad plate size).

I had my wonderful hamburger with Queso Laughing Cow cheese for dinner. It is scrumptious. I have extras for the week.
My intake for today:
2 eggs, 2 wedges laughing cow, light swiss
3 chicken livers, green beans, salad
grilled hambuger, 2 wedges Queso laughing cow cheese
Vitamin water Zero
grapple (grape-uhl)

Are you wondering what a grapple is? It is a grape flavored apple. Yes that is correct!! It smells delicious and tastes just as good. YUMMY in tummy!!

Portions are controlled, hair not so much

Portions have been under control since my last fill. I have had no real issues with sliming which is a good thing all around. I am feeling good about where my band is at right now. I am finding myself pushing away the plate before I finish my food and I am sticking to the salad sized plates. I am not so concerned with fat or calories as I probably should be but I am satisfied and happy with my results so far. I don't think about what I am going to eat other than making sure it is protein based and bread reduced.
I LOVE hamburgers off the grill but they just aren't the same without a good bun. I have been disappointed. However, I recently found a solution that makes the burger absolutely delish and I don't even think about the bun  not being there. Laughing cow wedge cheese has a new flavor called Queso. Just a little spice is nice. When we grill out burgers, I have hubby make several extra. I store them in a container of fat free/low sodium beef broth. Keeps them moist. Heat one up and spread a wedge of Queso Laughing Cow and it is like gourmet dining. I pair it with a salad and I have a completely wonderful and satisfying meal. I take it for lunch. I have it for dinner if what the family wants is not band friendly(like pizza).
I have made some "mushy" foods lately and realize I really need to limit those because while I don't eat more in one sitting, I am finding myself having the munchies because my hunger wasn't fully satisfied. Solid foods stay with me much longer and keeps me satisfied.
My clothes are way too big now. I still haven't gone shopping but with the weather turning colder I won't have a choice for much longer. I had to wear business casual all week and had people telling me to stop wearing some pants because they were HUGE on me. So if others are noticing and actually telling me I guess it is time to suck it up and go shopping. I really hate to because even though I know I will be choosing a smaller size it is disheartening when a smaller size fits you in one piece of clothing but in another it is way too small. I get discouraged because outfits I think are so freakin cute look hideous on me.

Ok, the hair....I am really getting self concious about my hair. It is thinner and thinner on top. My part looks more like the grand canyon. I see LOTS of scalp and my hair overall is VERY thin. I tried products that make your hair appear thicker but it only made it greasy, flat and nappy looking. I usually wash my hair every other day so it doesn't strip out the color and when I wash my hair loads of hair falls out. If I put the products on my hair the next day it is a grease pit.
I am taking BIOTIN daily, well trying to remember. It won't help with thinning but should help with growth of the hair I have. I understand this is typical between 3-6 months after surgery and it should slow down or stop after a few months. Here's hoping!!!

This week has been stressful

Well, I have to say this has been a stressful week. I did keep one promise to myself and that is I turned down ALL offers of candy or sweets. I went and bought Werther's hard candies with caramel in the middle. It is 50 cal for 2 pieces. That is my new must have sweets. I am saving calories and fat versus eating chocolates or candy bars and still getting the satisfaction when I am stressed. I put it to the test this week and it worked beautifully.

I brought my lunch all week except for the two days I ate the catered lunches. Even then I did really well. I had a salad with the main entree. Yesterday it was hamburgers and I ate it without the bread. It was still yummy. All in all, it was a good food week. I still have restriction although each week it is a little less tight. It loosens as I eat which is good. I would rather it loosen a little than be so tight I get sick. No episodes of sliming since my fill so I am happy. I think my portions are better controled then before the fill and I was sliming all the time. Weird! You would think that having more put in my band would mean it would get worse but it hasn't. I am being more careful and not taking chances on foods that have the potential to cause problems. To me it isn't worth the risk. Also, I am making sure I am eating more solids. After last time I was very scared of solids and tended to eat more mushy foods if possible. I can't do that and continue to feel full and lose weight. I am still learning to live with my band but all in all I would do it again in a heartbeat!!

I'm not weighing myself today. It's not a good "time" so in about 7 days I will weigh in. I know my weight isn't down this week due to issues but I should be good in a week.

I said last week that I will have to break down and go shopping for clothes. Boy that was apparent this week. I have a lot of belly skin/fat right now. It's jiggily. Pant that are snug in the waist are HUGE through the butt and legs and it makes me look dumpy. WOW I usually never worry about that. I normally would worry that it wasn't big enough to cover up all that girth. I guess I should try a slim fit in the current size I am in so it isn't so big in the legs and butt. I have to wear business casual all next week so I guess I need to get that taken care of this weekend. YUCK, I really hate shopping!!!

Noticing changes

Well for starters, this fill I can notice a change. I eat a much smaller portion than I have been lately. This is a good thing. I don't feel anymore stuck than usual but I defintely have a full feeling shortly after I start eating. My nurse gave me a xerox copy of the "lap band plate" so I could have the actual size of the plate. I am not able to even eat that much right now. Here is what I ate today: 2 eggs, 2 wedges lite laughing cow swiss, meatloaf, green beans, 6 buffalo sauce pretzel chips, then for dinner another slice of meatloaf, green beans. Drank Vitamin Water Zero all day. I like to eat the same food for lunch and dinner.

The second thing I have noticed is my clothes finally are getting noticeably HUGE on me. I wore a pair of my smaller jeans last week and I was told to stop wearing them that they were too big. Nice to hear that for a change. I have noticed that my shirts are more loose on me. Some to the point that I need to get rid of them. Again, I never imagined I would be saying that! I have been gettin clothes out of my bin that I put smaller yet stylish clothes in. I am running out of those too. It looks like I will have to break down and go shopping. I have been trying to avoid it.

Tottally off the subject here but anyone heard of or remember La Femme Nikita? OMG I LOVE THIS SHOW!! I can only get it online and can only watch it for about 56 min before I am kicked off for an hour. I am addicted!!

Well that is all for now. I hope the good news keeps coming.

The latest...

I went in for a fill yesterday. I called the office Monday because I was eating way too much and the scale was not moving no matter what I did. Also, I have had strong cravings for sweets and snack foods which I NEVER did before. Oh, ocassionally I would want a little candy or chips but it wasn't daily, multiple times per day. I have been out of control with that for the past two weeks. I was also eating way more than I should. I could eat a salad plate and a half of food each time. Although I wasn't hungry for another 5-6 hrs it still was more than I should have had.
I knew that I needed an alternative for sweets craving at work where chocolates are abundant! Let's face it, chocolate melts and slides right on through the band so I was able to indulge immensely in the chocolate caramel dove candies or the fundraiser caramel chocolate candy bars. Well I need to support the schools/kids right? Yeah that was my excuse. I have compromised to Werthers hard candies with the caramel center. Do you see the caramel theme going on here? Suddenly I am a caramel fanatic. Again not usual for me. Anyway, the Werthers is 50 cal, 1g fat for two candies. They are delish! That is my compromise for now to get me through this crisis I seem to be having. I did turn down the offers of twix bars and a cupcake. That's progress right?

Back to the doctor visit...I went in yesterday for a fill and I had actually lost 7lbs since my last appointment so I was thrilled and very surprised. Of course that was over about 6 weeks. I got a .2 fill to try and help curb my portion size but she didn't want me to get too tight. It is official, I absolutely cannot eat regular bread or toast. I can only eat the bread from Jimmy Johns sandwiches. Weird but true! No tortillas either. No pot roast because it is too stringy no matter how small a bite. It just compresses into a ball and gets stuck. I can still eat the cooked vegetables that I put in the roast so I guess I will have to live with that. Dang it!
I go back to the doctor in a month so we shall see how this is going for me.

Keep tuned in...

Stressed & Depressed

Well I officially didn't get the job and I feel like a loser. Not that I am not happy for the person that did. I am just glad it wasn't the current team leader of that unit but I am bummed I didn't get it. I feel like a failure and loser because I am her team leader and she was considered the better choice over me so that makes me feel and look like I am not a very good team leader. I am fed up really. I work my tail off for the unit each and every day. I stay late until 10, 11 or sometimes midnight on the last day of the month to help get everyone's checks posted when they all leave at 6 or 8 pm.
I had to sit there all day listening to my supervisor tell EVERYONE that she was the PERFECT person for the job. HELLO...I sit right outside your cubicle. I can hear you. Apparently I was told it was because my scores were low. My scores are a compilation of making my goal, percentages and such. Hers was higher and supposedly that was the deciding factor. This is according to my supervisor and that I was 2nd choice. Well not according to the person doing the hiring. She said she sat down with my supervisor and my division manager and discussed who would be best for the job and the other one was chosen. In the meeting with the unit she told them that it was close between the current team leader and the one that got the job. I wasn't a factor. I feel like I have been lied to and held back intentionally because no one does or even knows how to do all the work I do for the unit. If I left there would be no one to do it. My supervisor all day kept saying to me how glad she was that I didn't get the job and kept asking me if I was okay with not getting the job. Well no I wasn't okay with it but that really doesn't matter does it. It was the last day of the month, I had to do everyone's stuff, ignore mine so I couldn't work on making my goal (which I didn't make, AGAIN) and stayed until 10pm. AGAIN. Is it really worth it?? I am beginning to wonder.
I haven't been losing any weight. Not gaining, but not losing. I know it is because I am eating sweets. I am just in this funk and I start crying at the drop of a hat. Especially about this job. I don't know why I am so emotional about it. I guess I wanted it more than I realized.
I think some stress is also over my oldest daughter being back in our lives. I don't trust her and am concerned about being around her after all that she has done to us but she is our daughter and we can't NOT help her. She was living in deplorable conditions and eventually was getting kicked out on the street with no job. We moved her back to the city, got her a place to live, a job and helped pay her rent, got some furniture etc. Not one thank you from her. Now my son is unemployed. We are in week 3 of him not having a job. That stresses me because he is the "good child". He still lives at home so he doesn't have the usual worries about finding a job which makes me concerned that he isn't trying as hard as he should. He spends more time at his girlfriends house than he is out looking for a job. She is 19 yrs old and has NEVER had a job and really isn't trying to find one. If she gets a job offer she turns it down because the hours are too late or her mom doesn't want her working at McDonalds. Whatever!! Again just more stress!!
I know I need to let all of that go and focus on myself. It is just so hard to do when it is your kids. Work is part of my everyday life so that is hard to let go too.

What to do. What to do.....

Been a hard week

This has been a really hard week. A co-worker was fired yesterday. Another co-worker was reprimanded. I found out today that the supervisor's job was offered to another person, who also happens to be in my unit and I am her team leader so that makes me feel and look like a loser. Officially I haven't been notified yet. She has been made an offer for the job. She said she had to think about it. She is remote, works from home, and this job would mean she has to come back into the office and now she just isn't sure she wants to do it. Most likely she will though. If by chance she doesn't accept it, then I am 2nd choice. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It would be hard to accept the job knowing I was 2nd choice only because the 1st choice decided to bail. I doubt I will find out how that feels. I am sure she will accept. Tomorrow will be the day they announce it I think. oh well...life goes on I guess.
I need to get back to the doctor for a follow up. I canceled my last appointment and have not had the time to even call and reschedule. I am about 3 weeks overdue. My 6 months of free follows ups ends in November. Guess I need to get back to seeing them. I don't think I need a fill though. I also am not losing much weight right now. My PCP cut my bp meds in half and I am starting to swell up more often. I had a bp med that has a diuretic in it and now that it is cut in half I am swelling in my feet again. Not as bad as before but it is there.
I am eating okay but I have been eating more candy and sweets. Not because I crave it but because I am soooooooooo stressed at work right now. I know it is a bad habit but right now it is the best I can do. I can't pig out so this is as close as I can get.
What I ate today...
2 eggs, 1 wedge of laughing cow lite swiss
grilled hamburger patty, with jalapeno cheese slice
baked beans, chips
4 Dove caramel chocolates
handful of cheese popcorn
2 bottles of Vitamin water zero-Rise.

I am not the least bit hungry right now.

Well on to tomorrow....

The week in review

It has been a long week. Band-Wise nothing new really going on. Occasionally still getting stuck, but no major episodes. I find it is just best to avoid the foods that cause the issue.
I had thought that after all this time I had educated people around me (friends, family, co-workers) as to what I can eat and how much. The misconception that most people have about the amount of food has been trying this week. I even had the same ideas but have since learned it's not true. Here's the deal and I have said it in the past. I am not supposed to be eating 1/4 of a kiddie portion of food. Yes that is what was told to me this week when I was trying to enjoy my lunch. I was informed I was eating too much and was told what's the point of the surgery if you are just going to pig out again. OK, first, who the hell do you think you are to stand there and proceed to try and tell me what I should or should not be doing with regards to my band? Second, you are not one to talk considering you aren't doing squat about your weight issues. Lucky for him I didn't address that. Not my place to do that. Not my issue. I am dealing with mine. Anyway, I just sat there for sec and thought really? You have nerve but I very calmly explain, AGAIN, that he was wrong. I am supposed to eat a salad plate size portion of food at every meal. Again he says well what's the point in that? Um....to lose weight in a healthy way? DUH?? I told him that the point is not to starve myself but to eat healthy portions not bird sized portions. He mumbled that is so not true as he walked away. SERIOUSLY?? Don't come up in my space and try and tell me what I am doing wrong when you are not me and you do not have a band and even if you had the band you are again not me. Everyone is different and has different needs or requirements with the band.
Here's the kicker, I was at one point eating teeny weeny portions, and was still hungry some days and barely losing weight. Oh the scale was still going down just very slowly. Then vacation happened. I didn't have much restriction while on vacation and was able to eat what I thought was much larger amounts of food. I dreaded coming back to my appointment because I just knew I gained weight. Nope! I lost more than ever before. My nurse said that it was because I ate more. I told her that was crazy because even the binder that the doc's office gave me said my pouch would only hold 4 ounces. She said well, that was not exactly true. She then explained what I should eat and how much. I was shocked and believe me it has been a challenge to re-train my thought process to eat more when the purpose was to eat less. I am eating less than before the surgery so all is good. My weight loss has continued to go down in healthy increments and I am much happier for the normal sized food portions.
Right now I don't feel I need another fill. I think I am in the green zone. Yes some things get stuck, that is the nature of the beast within, aka lap band. LOL!! Overall though I am not hungry between meals. I eat 3 times per day. I generally rarely eat a snack unless I am bored so I make a point to avoid that but there is nothing wrong with a couple of cheese and crackers or a few chips or even a Dove Bliss once in while or even a tid bit daily. MM...chocolate.
The point of the band is that it should be such an integral part of me that I don't even notice it. That is where I am now. It is my life so I don't think about it anymore other than the foods that I know get stuck. Those I do think about. I also think about that I know if I wait too long between meals then more foods that normally don't get stuck will. It is my life now.
I hate getting off on this tangent but why do some people feel they have the right to question what I do with my body or my band? I have never flaunted my band in front of anyone. I don't talk about it at work at all. I will answers questions but when some dip wad comes up to my desk while I am enjoying a nice lunch and say things that stupid I have to vent.
On the home front, things are better. Are they great? No but definitely better. He is keeping his comments to himself and has backed off on his obsession somewhat. I am not putting up with it so he might as well give it up.
I had my 1st interview for the Supervisor position on Wednesday. I was sooo nervous. I'm not sure I did so well. I had the impression that she was trying to talk me out of it. Which is strange considering she can just not pick me. Why try to talk me out of it? The first thing she said to me was that she was shocked I applied. When I asked her why she just kind of hedged around it and said she didn't know. Really? I didn't buy that.  She told me it was a thankless job and proceeded to tell me how terrible the job was. Why do that? I know exactly what the job is so what is her deal? My supervisor told me that the rule is now if you are turned down for a job and ask them why they MUST give you specific reasons on why the other person was a better fit for the position. Not to toot my own horn but I would be considered an expert for this client so I guess she will have to come up with a really good reason not to choose me. We shall see but another reason why I don't feel good about my chances is that another co-worker applied and when she went to her interview the first thing said to her was that she was that person's first pick even before she posted the job. This person has experience with this client but I have more current knowledge and insight to the client and access to the client as the team leader and coincidentally her team leader too.  She on the other hand was a supervisor for this unit we applied for but that was 12 years ago and she chose to step down in rank to her current position. We shall see.
Good clothes news...
This week was business casual at work. No jeans! I have only been wearing jean capris because that is what I had that was comfortable and fit, somewhat. So I had to find clothes for this week and now apparently next too. Casual dress pants. I tore up my house looking for clothes. I found 4 pairs of capri/crop khakis or black pants. They all fit. I was nervous about the 4th pair since they were a few sizes smaller than the others. All my pants have been washed and dried many many times over so in reality they are already smaller than the size in them. I put on the 4th pair yesterday and they fit!! And they were comfortable. Life is good.


Life life on purpose with a purpose

Times, they's a changing

It seems each day, each week, each month things around me are changing. I am just now beginning to realize that others around me see changes and they are starting to react to them.
For instance, when I was on vacation, for the first time, I didn't feel like people were looking at me. Oh I know I am still big but for some reason I didn't FEEL as big.
At work, people who know I had the surgery tell me they notice it in my face. I can too now. I like what I see for once. I no longer get depressed looking in the mirror when getting ready in the mornings.
At work, they now notice when I do my hair differently. It's a good feeling.
I am buying clothes off the rack, well it is still at Lane Bryant but usually shirts don't fit me. I have to buy online at Womanwithin.com and get bigger than usual sizes. Not any more.
Today I went to the doctor to do a med check. My BP was 104/56. It has NEVER been that low. So once again she reduced my BP meds. She wants to do it slowly so we can monitor my BP to make sure it doesn't start going up. In a month we should know if we can lower it again. It was cut in half today. She is so impressed with my progress. I am so grateful to her for telling me I need to lose the weight for my life. That it now was life or death. She suggested the lap band but clearly said for me to research it and research local surgeons but that she would not be part of the selection process. Once I have a doctor she will monitor my meds and anything they need her to do but she would be there 100% and she has been.
The lap band has been the best decision I ever made and regret not doing it sooner but I think this was just the right time to do it. I believe that is why I am successful.
Well, an update on my life with lap band.
I am still getting stuck almost daily. It isn't bad but at times I had to get hot cider or hot coffee and that relaxes everything and the food goes on through. Or I drink a hot drink before eating and that too takes care of it. I have decided that bread it not worth it. I don't even want to chance it anymore. I ate a hamburger last night from the grill without bread. It wasn't as satisfying but I was able to eat without getting stuck. Well worth it.
I view the getting stuck as a warning alert for me to slow down or choose something different to eat. It could end up being a positive thing. Before this last fill, I had no warnings at all. I could and did eat everything with no trouble. Bread, pasta, meat...no problems.

Well good things are happening and continue to happen. Life is good. I am good. What more could I ask for?

Stress is my enemy

Stress is the root of all evil. Well okay, not ALL evil but a good bunch of it. Stress causes breakouts, hair falling out, weight gain, weight loss and evidently causes food getting stuck.
I have had many episodes the last two weeks where my food got stuck. Some minor and one very horrible.

What have I learned? I can't get upset or be upset when eating. If I am stressed at all the food gets stuck but it is hot cider to the rescue.

TMI alert...I had to go shopping today for new bras. Come on ladies, you know it is important. With weight loss you know the 1st place you lose it is in the "girls". So I needed new bras. I get a smaller size but they were too small. I am like "huh?". I go back and get fitted and apparently my size is bigger than before. Again, "huh?" That makes no sense. Same band size, bigger cup. Now that makes no sense at all. So I wonder if I was wearing the wrong size all along? I just don't understand it.

I fixed a nice dinner tonight. Meatloaf, mashed potatoes and salad. It went down just fine and was delicious!
My food today consisted of scrambled eggs w/laughing cow cheese for breakfast. Carne asado for lunch and the above for dinner. Drank Vitamin water zero Rise in between.

I had to buy new t-shirts today because my clothes are getting too dumpy. That was a little nerve wrecking. I tried on smaller clothes and they didn't fit. They were too small. Again with the "huh?" I just don't get it. I should be in smaller clothes so none of this makes sense. I am still wearing the same size as before. I do admit they fit better but it still doesn't make sense.

How can a 56lb loss not mean smaller clothes? 

Peace out......................................