Tuesday, January 3, 2012

So much for a new beginning

It is January 3rd 2012 and I have already screwed things up. I know a lot. I know I eat things I shouldn't. I know I continue to eat when I should stop. I know I am using my un-fill as a crutch and excuse. I am a KIA. (Know It All)

I am supposed to go for my scheduled fill on Thursday of course this was before my un-fill so I am rescheduling it and yes I am going to reschedule. I need time for my stomach to heal and no this is not an excuse. That episode freaked me out and yes I am scared of a fill but I think I am more scared of what could happen and is happening without the fill.

You know what I can eat? Doughnuts. Bread. Pasta. Beef Stew Meat, Pot Roast. Not small amounts but LARGE amounts. It takes a lot for me to get full right now and believe me I have tried to find out just how much it takes to get full.

I talk a big talk about starting over and a new day. I know all of this stuff in my head. Knowing it and following it are two completely different things. Mentally I have checked out.

I am eating all these high sodium foods and barely drinking any fluids. I am swollen and sat around all weekend on my butt watching "Bones" episodes on Netflix.

Some New Year. I have no motivation, nothing to work towards. No goal.

Yeah this is me whining. Sometimes you just gotta get it out. I go through this from time to time. I feel elated then deflated. Happy then sad. Good then bad. Energized then fatigusized. That isn't even a word.
Seriously, I don't know if maybe it is related to the non stop night hot flashes that leave me soaked that I have been having for the past few days. Last night I didn't sleep a wink. One minute I am burning up sweating then I kick off the covers and freeze. Cover back up and then kick them off. Then I cover up and uncover only one leg thinking maybe just a little breeze won't cause me to freeze. All night long!! Then this morning I get ready for work, sweating the entire time. It was only 18 degrees this morning and it felt like spring to me. I get to work and turn on my desk fan because I am still sweating. Then after all of the continuous sweating all night long, it is gone and I am spending the next few hours with goosebumps and chills.

I have decided, I am in a FUNK.

2 comments:

Perry Joyce said...

I was in a funk for the last three months of the year. I put so much emphasis on "January 1st" and by January 3rd, I was already deflated. But don't give up. The date is just a date. If you bounce back tomorrow or February 18th, you'll still bounce back. We always do, right? :)

Angie said...

Plugging along. It's all I can do. Thank you for the words of encouragement. I need them.